Gag Reflex meets confession

Today was one of those days when I wished that everytime I was uncomfortable with what was said or done around me, I could have just thrown up and used the excuse of being sick to leave. Today at lunch, I was so uncomfortable with the people around me. They were being disgusting and perverted to a pretty extreme extent. What did I do? I just SAT THERE and didn't say a word!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I JUST LEAVE!? I don't know what to say. I felt like I betrayed myself and the Holy Spirit residing with/in me. I literally felt sick. Paralyzed, I sat there until I truly could stand no more and my class was going to start. Why is it so hard to seperate from other Christians? I don't expect them to be perfect, but the concept of seperating myself from other brothers and sisters in Christ is so hard!

Tonight I was in a rehearsal for "The Seagull." I run the lights for the show, so I get to be all official with my head set and all. There were 4 of us on head sets. 2 girls who I'm not very close with, and a good guy friend of mine. The girls would constantly talk bad about people. I felt trapped because I had to have a head set on and couldn't escape, but did I say anything!?!? NO!!! AHHH!! Every time the girls would get off the head sets, my guy friend would tell me that he hates them! So it's like I hear the grunt of it from both ends! There are times when i even take part, ashamedly. It's just so discouraging on every side, and I end up hating my spineless actions. sigh.

I bought a new tooth brush today. See, I've been stricken with influenza since Monday of this week. Being the Germophobe that I am, I saw fit to buy a new tooth brush that wasn't slathered in the infectuous bacteria that stemmed from my sickness. So I'm there in Wal-Mart staring at the endless amount of toothbrushes, wondering which one I should get. Of course, I have grown up in the dentist's chair and have been accustomed to using Oral B. But I couldn't help thinking that if I got another brand of toothbrush, I would commit molar suicide! Then it hit me that it didn't really matter the brand! After this revelation, I focused my attention on the shapes and amounts of the bristles. Hmm... do i get the ones with the criss cross bristles that look like they will just rip my gums right off? What about the ones that are just flat straight across rather than having an indention in the middle!?!? AAAAAHHHHH!!! WHy don't my teeth just fall out and rot right now!?!?! THEN I notice that the bristles come in medium soft, soft, and extra soft!! Maybe I should just use rocks to scrape the plaque off instead!?!?! These were the thoughts as I stared blankly at the toothbrushes. FINALLY I picked a style of bristle. Now I just had to pick the right color of gripping rubber that is on the brush handle. Lame, I know. After this tiring process, it was time to leave. whew.

I'm going to Oklahoma tomorrow. My grandpa died last night. He had scerosis of the liver, and I knew he wouldn't last long, but I got "the phone call" last night. My parents are kind of tight on money, so I feel like I shouldn't be flying home, but at the same time I feel like I need to be there. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it because i know my dad wouldn't do it if we couldn't, but it's just one of those things you know? I think my grandpa was a christian. He knew the truth for sure, he just had some issues he was struggling with, like all of us. I'm kind of handling it okay right now, but it'll be rough when I get home. Please keep my family in your prayers, especially my aunt who is in India and won't be able to come back for this.

I know God's timing is perfect. I'm always astounded to see how God takes care of me even when I neglect him. It's fall break this weekend and I'm with a second family who is able to help me through this tough time. It all worked out the best way possible, and I couldn't have planned that. Anyway, it's another day in the life of me.

In other words...

Sometimes when I'm all alone
I don't know if I can Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
'Cause i'm scared to death


Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don't know how


Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifting from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

- Bebo Norman

HURT

I had a friend tell me that he couldn't be my friend anymore. First, he said that it wouldn't work because I live in Oklahoma and he lives in Houston. Well, He lives in Greenville now!! I said that I'm in Oklahoma twice a year and spend most of my time here. Then he said that he knew me too well to be my friend. "I know your dad and your brothers," was his excuse. He said that he doesn't like hanging out with me, but he likes me. He says, "Truthfully, being around you doesn't make my day. I don't go away thinking, Yay! I saw Leah today. It's just a , oh, there's Leah kinf of thing. Then he tells me not to take it personal and start having some girly cry fest over it. He tells me this in Wal-Mart btw. Previously to all of this, we were talking about church and meeting people. I'm having some issues with pushing my way into meeting others. He told me that he hopes I'm not depending on him to introduce me to friends at church and that I need to do it by myself.

I just stood there, paralyzed. I wanted to scream and cry, but I couldn't do it until i left Wal-Mart because as he left Wal-Mart, he looked at me and grinned, like he knew he tore me up. I don't know.. I lost it. See, He is in direct rebellion from the Lord. We've discussed it, but I didn't think that there was friction between us. We had a good 2 hr. conversation about life and God and where we are both at. I didn't suspect anything, but now it's like we have had a friend break-up and quite frankly, It tore me up tonight. I need help, please pray for me.

The ears

Don't you wish your rabbit ears were hott like mine? tee hee.... These ears took me forever!! Here's a praise: our dept. will be purchasing new sewing machines!! YAY!! I had to make these at a friend's house. They make me happy. Josh, if you say something discouraging about these ears, I think i'll cry.

Give Up

I scared myself with my thoughts today. It was one of those "what if" days. What if I just quit. I hate looking for churches. I feel like my whole experience with church has helped me grow, but there is so much hurt that dictates the way I look at churches. I went and saw the traveling acting group from my school perform last night. They did a sketch about churches splitting and the attitudes associated with that. Oh boy did that stir up feelings that I didn't want to feel again. I cried. They portrayed a wonderful character of Jesus in another skit, where Jesus was right there with a girl, ready to listen if she'd just tell him. She didn't have the time. I cried. There were many other sketches, but honestly, the church splitting skit really messed with me. Here I am, 19 yrs. old, and I can't get over this. Five nasty church splits from ages 8-18. IT STILL HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It all regurgitates back into my heart when I start to look for a church to go to.I hate it. I hate not trusting "the church" anymore. Yeah yeah yeah, i know we trust GOD, not the church, but the body of believers has hurt me more than any unsaved person out there. I'm so tired of it. But I know me...yes i do. Once I start to let one area slip, it'll be a landslide and i'll lose myself. I hate feeling torn. I tried to look into the future today, and it scared me what could happen. I feel like my heart for church is gone, and that horrifies me.

THE CARROT!!

My first ever, truly made by scratch, sewn creation!! It was thrust upon me to make a carrot for the production of Winnie the Pooh this semester. So here it is! I am so excited to be presenting this picture to all of you. It just thrills my heart!

Hide Away

I didn't want to be looked at today. I just wanted to hide from the world and sleep as it passes me by. I wanted someone to see ME. No one did.

Hope is not lost...for Jesus sees the real me, and I'm beautiful in his eyes. When no one else sees me, He does. That may seem cliche and Sunday School-ish, but have you ever thought about that? Christ knows every intricate detail!! He knows all the jokes that you tell that you think are amazingly funny, he knows when you comment on something with hidden jest, he knows when you feel uncomfortable, he sees you when a word rips a piece of your heart, and he sees the real you, away from the on-lookers. AND HE STILL LOVES ME!!!!

Conviction.

The Lord has done some wonderful things this week. He totally took the reigns on a problem that I couldn't fix on my own. You know that speechless feeling that comes over you when you God does something like that? ...yeah

My Dress of Many Colors!

This is my new dress that I acquired from the costume dept. of North Greenville University. It is actually made by a real company, not home made. : ) I absolutely love it. It's like a satin-y type material and it's tie dyed! This dress makes me happy. Don't know where I'll wear it yet, but I can definitely see a bright future for this awesome creation! BTW, I didn't steal the dress. It was given to me by my supervisor because they were going to put it in a yard sale. YAY for free tie dye dresses!!!!

What to do?

I was at church on Sunday night. The church has communion every first Sunday of the month. I was fine with it, but it seems like every church does communion differently. I didn't know when to eat the bread. I was sitting there and they passed out the pieces of bread. I was praying and then looked around to see what everyone else was doing. I couldn't find any other pieces of bread next to anyone, so I decided that maybe I should go ahead and partake. JUST as soon as i did, I noticed that my friend next to me still had his. Then I saw other people still had theirs!! I felt so weird!! I didn't know what to do!! I mean, here I was taking the Lord's Supper, and I ate my bread early. NO ONE DARES TO EAT THEIR BREAD EARLY!! YOU JUST DON'T!! I almost felt guilty for it!? That's never happened before. SO as everyone ate their bread in unison, I sat there. When they passed the juice around, I drank it at the right time. Whew...It's one of those things that you never take lightly, you know? Communion is something that I believe SHOULD be taken seriously, and I really threw myself off by eating the bread. Dear me. It's one of those things that no one talks about. It's like I should start a support group.
"Hello, my name is Leah Thomas and I ate the bread too early."

I know this seems like nonsense, and I hope it doesn't come off as any kind of blasphemous. Early Bread Consumption: It happens.

Because of J-diggidy....

1. One book that changed your life: Romans
2. One book that you’ve read more than once: Call me weird, but I don't like to read books more than once. I get bored.
3. One book you’d want on a desert island:"How to survive on a Desert Island for Dummies"
4. One book that made you laugh: "Tartuffe" by Moliere, "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" - all three in the series are wonderful-
5. One book that made you cry:"Our Town" Thornton Wilder, Any Sara Dessen book.
6. One book that you wish had been written: "1001 ways to drink a Mountain Dew"
7. One book you wish had never been written: Witchcraft/occult books..they are real.
8. One book you’re currently reading: ha,..define currently...." Not By Chance" by Layton Talbert
9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: The Berenstein Bears Go to College..also "Not By Chance" by Layton Talbert....uh, yeah...so that def. of currently is what?
10. Now tag five people:hmmm... no.

Because He's God, not because it's $100!

PRAISE THE LORD!!

my mom called me today and told me that a friend of ours handed her $100.00 for her to give to me. This woman who gave the money is just a kind hearted woman anyway, but the Lord has used her over and over again in my life to provide for me. When My mom told me, I cried. God is providing for me, and everything is going to be okay.

I can trust my God to take care of me. It's beyond parental trust now. This new aspect of trusting the Lord is scary and wonderful at the same time.

I'm not just happy because it's a good amount of money. It's the fact that God is leading people to provide for me. WOW. In Church on Sunday Night, the preacher was preaching on fully relying on God and depending on him for your needs. He also mentioned the fact that so often times we pray, get our prayer answered, and then go on to the next request. We don't stop and think, "wow, I have a God who cares enough to provide for me beyond what I could even ask for." So many times I've missed out on the character of God behind His giving. God forgive me for taking Him for granted!

THE BEAST!!!!

This was the eight legged beast lurking in the dark crevice on the first Sunday morning here in Tigerville, South Carolina!! 6 inches away!!! I tried to get a good picture, but I could only imagine this mean spider screaming and jumping all over my lense. Yeah...i know, drama majors, ha! So I just now got around to d-loading the pic. on my comp. Deal with it.

Speaking of drama majors, let's talk about me for a sec. I am now cast to be in a student directed one act this semester! I'm super excited for the experience. One of the original cast members dropped out, and the director wants to give a newbie a chance. So here I go!! I have no idea what the play is about, and I'm way too busy anyway,...but I couldn't say no to him!! I'm in a directing scene for my roommate, and also acting class. There is lots of memorizing going on right now. I'm excited about the challenge...kind of!?

So the Lord answered a prayer of mine this week. I am praying for money to be able to go to New York City in January with a group of people from here. We will go and stay in Times Square and see Broadway Shows!!! What an experience!? We will also get the chance to talk to some Christians who are in the business in NYC. My dad called me yesterday and told me that a person at my church just decided to donate some money to me. MY LORD BLESSED ME WITH 225.00!!!! Now, that's about a third of the cost for the trip, but it's such a beautiful start in funding and faith.

*************************

So I went to BJU to have a wonderful reunion with my friends. It was so nice. Actually,...I was there on Saturday, but Friday night was spent downtown. This is why we are friends:

Drab

auditions were tonight.

I went.

I audtioned.

I was not cast.

Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. I'd love to be in a play where I would be able to be stretched in my abilities, but I'm kind of waiting for my big break, you know? Something to let me know that I have a flair for an area in theatre. I have no idea ,really. I like to be creative and original, and I love trying to make others feel what I'm feeling. I suppose those are good things. I'm not depressed because I know that God knows what I can handle and what is good for me, but maybe disappointed is the better word. I'm disappointed, but not in despair. The One Act plays have not put out their cast lists yet...so there is still a chance to be cast, but ...... prolly not.

rain

I longed for it to pour down rain tonight. It didn't. I wanted to stand in the rain and just release all of my worries for tomorrow. The Bible says "...sufficiant unto the day is the evil thereof." I got a bit overwhelmed today with physical and mental weariness. One day I will stand in the rain and enjoy it! What a beautiful release!!

Why is it that I can easily wish for rain, but at times it's easier to release to the rain rather than God? Sometimes I think God just feels, "Well LEah, you created your situation. Deal with it! Suck it up and go on." I think He wants us to be realistic like that, but for some reason I always leave out the other half where He'll let me crawl up in his lap and comfort me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

VICTORY!!

I have chosen my topic for my first play analysis for Theatre History!! We had to do it over Midieval,Greek, or older Enlish drama. I am doing it over "The Second Sheperd's Play." I first read this play last year at BJU in my drama class. I really like it. I'm very excited!! Now I just have to pick a topic to write a 3,o00 word report about!?!?!? I also need to pick a topic to present a report to the class. It's supposed to be about 15 min. So yeah...Theatre history is def. interesting.

I have an hour to just be. This is nice. I have classes all day today. Espanol from 4-5:15 and then Music Appreciation from 6-8:45. Dear me. BUT i have picked out my two monologues to do in Acting class. This makes me happy!! I hope I picked good ones.

I have resolved to buy a Greenville Map.

Theatre auditions are tomorrow. Honestly, I'm not going into it expecting to get a part. I'm just not a great actor!? I think it's fun, but there are so many talented people here that I'll do well to just learn from watching. I'm kind of nervous, but mainly I just want to show Dr. Savidge and Mrs. Phillips that I'm willing to work hard to improve. I will be performing the same monologue that I auditioned for a scholarship for earlier this semester. I will be attempting to perform in Iambic Pentameter!! YAY...? Yes,..about that hour to myself!

Revelation

The Lord hit me with something yesterday. Certain events happened to make me realize that as Theatre Major, I am not to be more tolerant of sinful issues, I need a clearer stand. See, in all honesty, I was under the impression that Theatre majors really can't have very strong convictions because of the industry. Oh, was I mistaken!! It's like the Lord turned on the light bulb of my brain yesterday and said, "Leah, if you are going to be what I want you to be in this profession, you are going to be stronger instead of weaker in your convictions." It was so humbling to think that I am going to need the Lord to take the wheel, in the words of Ms. Underwood from OKLAHOMA!! It's very exciting. I can't wait to see how the Lord leads me. It's scary too. Not everyone agrees with me.

Pressure Pimple Pops

Okay, for some reason, the sickening alliteration represented in the title really appealed to me! : ) Today I talked to my advisor about whethere the dept. here has a performance track vs. a technical theatre track. I was worried about having to declare a certain area of expertice. I don't know what that area is yet, so ...yeah. The program here helps doesn't give you any pressure on what part to study. you study what you like, and then figure out what you are good at, and then choose which classes to take from there. There isn't a set course schedule that you absolutely have to adhere to. I was so excited about that!! Almost all of the pressure I was feeling just dissapated(spelling?) with that knowledge!! YAY!! I'm just here to learn theatre. I will live it, breathe it, build it, design it, speak it, and pay for it! I'm looking forward to this new adventure.

I've been given some excersises to help me pronounce my "S" sound better. It's just a bit too airy. So i'll be working on that for awhile. I'll also be working about 14 hours at least every week in the theatre program. I'm doubling my practicum load because I missed my freshman practicums last year. That means I'll be doing 6 hours of class work in theatre outside of class. I'll also be doing 8 more hours of work study every week. I'll def. be busy doing things! On top of these things, I'm going to be looking for a church home. Dr. Savidge and I had a wonderful talk today about the various levels of people spiritually. Bob Jones kids usually have been doctrinated out the wahzoo...if you will...and are pretty serious about their walk with the Lord. I'm speaking in general here. At NGC, you don't have the mainstream of kids that have grown up in regimented churches w/ absolute doctrines. They are still searching. So I'm wanting to find a balance in my church. I know I need that spiritual fellowship. I've already noticed how I long to just talk about God and scripture with the people here. IT's just different. So I'm using the word "So" so much that it's becoming frustrating to type. So I'm going to stop so that I can go to lunch. So that's it.
.....sew......

Too good to mention

I wanted to post about what a good day yesterday was, but I was kind of scared that it would stop being so good if I mentioned it. Since yesterday is over, now I can talk about it.

My spirit was so hungry yesterday. I was so blessed in my devotions when I read about Job. I get so discouraged when a day goes by and I just can't seem to find God. And then I do what the last verse in Job 1 says. I "charge God foolishly." I ask God what he's thinking, and if He's really leading me or if it's all dependant on me because if it is I'm screwed! It was just a wonderful time. Then I went on to the service here on campus and was a bit disappointed. But the word of God was presented, and I did enjoy a few of the points.

Yesterday afternoon was full of various activities. I played some sand volleyball, rode in a hot air balloon, rode in a 1930 something convertible, went head first down this slip and slide thing set up on a hillside, and then went to the service. Now, I don't know anyone here, so I did these various events with strangers. That's a barrell of fun and all, but I was tired of it. I ended up going to the service alone, and I was just fine with it. It was outside. Praising God outside is a very personal thing for me. Back home I would go outside at night and sing praises to my God while looking at his beautiful starry night. Being outside and lifting my voice to the Lord envoked so much emotion. Then the preaching was just dead on. I loved it. There was no sugar coating of anything. The word of God was preached, and I soaked it up like a sponge. The funny part about the night last night was that a large, elderly man decided to get a little too full of the spirit during worship and ended up smacking his wife in the back of the head. Because of my miniscule maturity level, I laughed very much. I think I was the only one in the whole stadium to see it!! : ) It was great. I think maybe the Lord laughed too.

After the awesome service, there was an acoustic guitar concert put on by one of the music students here at school. Again, I was alone, but I was able to just enjoy every original aspect that this artist had decided to share with us at the concert. I loved allowing everything else to fade away and just enjoying his expression. This is why I like drama. yeah, it was def. a good day. No, I should say that it was a God day.

Today has been kind of nerve wrecking because school is about to start!!! I want it to start, but I'm nervous!! I'm just finishing up all of the details that I need to get worked out before I start classes. As much as I would love some fellowship with other believers, there is no reason for me not to have fellowship with my Father God.

Cursed!!

Enough with the dramtic "I don't know what to do with my life" posts! They are getting quite boring. This morning I woke up, looked directly 6 inches away from me to see a huge black deadly, poisonous spider looming in the crevice between my wall and my desk. It was waiting for the opportune moment to pounce on my face and suck the life right out of me!! NOT TODAY SPIDER!! After my initial shock and prolonged eye contact on the spider, I decided that I'd try to get a flip flop positioned just perfectly in order the smash the goo right out of him. I positioned the flip flop, but he caught on and dashed back into the darkness. OH NO SPIDER! I got my bug spray and sprayed so much of it in that crevice that I thought the corner of my desk might just dissolve. Then I stuck a pencil in the crevice and tried to get the lil' beast. Pretty sure I don't have a phobia of spiders or anything, but when they are some random black breed of arachnids that are populating my living space,...it gets personal. I'm scared that it will come back and get his revenge. ICK!

Not only do we have spiders, but I am currently treating 3 very inconveniently located ant bites. Yes, they found our trash can and came by the thousands. The bug spray made it's appearance again. They have also found their way into my bed. So of course, "don't let the bed bugs bite" really hits home as I wake up not knowing what new bites I'll have.

I got all of my clothes dried. What made them wet, you ask? My dad and I packed up my truck on the ONLY NIGHT that it decided to rain before I left Oklahoma. We didn't know it would rain, but the tarp was surrounding every opening that water could think to protrude through. APPARENTLY WE WERE WRONG. I get to SC two days later to find, as I unpack, that EVERY single article of clothing that I brought was damp or soaked with water. Some of my pctures were scarred for life, and I wanted to cry. I unpacked all of my clothes into the dryers instead of my drawers. EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING!!! AAHHH!!

This is the way I live life. : ) But I love it. Is it scary/inconvenient at times? sure, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

This morning I read of Job's attitude in my devotions. This paragraph is taken from my devotional book: G. K. Chesterton, writing on the experience of Job, says, " But God comforts Job with indecipherable mystery, and for the first time Job is comforted. Eliphaz gives one answer, Job gives another answer, and the question still remains an open wound. God simply refuses to answer and somewhere the question is settled. Job flings at God one riddle, God flings back at Job a hundred riddles, and Job is at peace. He is comforted with conundrums." I loved this idea that we can have peace even in mystery. Selah.

Throw Up

That's what I feel like doing. I auditioned for a theatre scholarship today. I am starting to feel like I don't want to act. There are so many little details and techniques in acting. I have no idea about any of them. I'm so confused. When I auditioned at BJU I had no idea how to act/interp a piece. I did it anyway, and was told that I was too dramatic. I needed to be more reserved. So I took that with me to this performance and was told that I needed more gestures and to bring more life to it. AHHH!! The faculty knows their stuff. I'm very grateful for that. But I know nothing about theatre anything. sigh. Time, right? I just need time? Dear me... I just need to pray. Majoring in Music keeps creeping into my thoughts and heart. I just don't know. I'm a bit confused.

Road Trip

I leave tomorrow to embark on a very unknown journey. I'm scared to death!! When it comes to theatre, i have no confidence at all! I have a passion for it, but I don't have any significant training yet. I'm just nervous about learning it and all that goes with it, including my strengths and weaknesses. Here's what I keep coming back to:

I knew before College began that I wanted to pursue 1: music 2: theatre 3: interior/fashion design. I was more passionate about performing for people. Neither 1 nor 2 provide a luxurious living for most. BUT that's what I feel the Lord has for me. I'm going with 2 right now and praying that the Lord will direct my steps. I know he will because he promised to do so. I just need to pray for confidence right now. Although, the only confidence that I have is that He is with me. Maybe I'll find out that that's all i need?

$5 Reminder

Two stories diverged in a post. And I ....I chose them both*sinister laughter*!

Today a friend asked me to lunch. This was a good plan except for the fact that I'm broke until I start getting paid at school for work study. I told my mom that I was going to eat lunch at home and then meet my friend at the restaurant to just talk and sip on some water. She wouldn't hear of it and gave me the money. Money is tight right now, and I didn't want to take her money. I did take it though.
My friend and I arrive at the best Chinese place in town and are about to walk in when something caught my eye. As it turns out, I was walking between the right two cars because there was a $5 bill lying on the ground. I looked around to see if anyone was there, bent down to pick it up, and rejoiced! How awesome was that of the Lord to do? Did I stop in my car and pray that God would send money from Heaven and help me today? NO! BUt God did it anyway!! This is so comforting as I'm about to leave for school. I love how the Lord reminds me of his provision when all I can see is the lack of my own ability to provide. Praise the LORD!

After this wonderful happening, I was enjoying my favorite noodle, lo mein, in the restaurant. I had a big wad of noodles piled on my fork and was about to take a bite when something caught my eye. I looked at my fork to find a deep fried FLY gooped to the noodles. I just froze. It was unreal! I just stared at it, and then told my friend. Then we both froze, stared at the fly, looked at our plates, and then stared some more. I told the restaurant manager about it, and she apologized. I didn't make a huge fuss because these things happen. I don't know if I can say that they didn't want the flies in there...but I can't say that for sure! : ) It makes for a good story and a good time to stop eating!

Cosmetology School and other Rambling

I'm restless tonight. I've gotten to the point where I'm just kind of sick w/ anxiety. Not so much that I'm dreading leaving home or anything truly worrisome, but the fact that I'm travelling into the unknown has subtlly taken residence in my stomache. Only three more days of this stage of it, and then I'll at least be there! YAY!! This post will be filled with wonderful things that should have been replaced with sleep!


HAHA...yeah. I have thought about going to cosmotology school before, but I don't really want to do it as a main profession. I got the opportunity to do my friend's hair for a wedding she was going to be attending. I enjoyed it. Of course along with the hair comes the make-up!! Sigh...good times.

My cat is psychotic. We've had a problem with her biting us and basically being on attack mode all the time. I think she's ADHD. She attacks for 15 minutes, sleep for awhile, and then She's right back to attack mode. By using deductive reasoning, we decided that the cat was starving. She won't eat dried cat food. She'll only eat something with Meat!! So in order to save our flesh, we went and bought her some canned food. Guess what? It's working so far!!

These are my friends at church. I'm the only regular college age girl that attends church regularly. It's funny how that works out sometimes. My old church was seriusly lacking males, but this one seems to have the opposite "problem" if you could call it that. I suppose it's nice for me! : ) They are all good guys. I'm the newbie in the group, so I've got to work hard to "be one of the guys." But growing up with 4 brothers is helpful at times! Okay...i'm rambling.

When the rambling begins...it is indeed time to retire.

Ghetto Girl

For those privy to the Barbie girl song, I hope you appreciate this rendition to express how I feel tonight. If you have no idea what i'm talking about....good for you.

I'm a ghetto girl, in a ghetto world,
where bling bling is now the cool thing
you can KEY MY CAR
and even STEAL MY TIRE........(pronounced TAR.. This is how Oklahomans say Tire)

This song was spawned by the recent vandalism done to my poor truck. The song says car, but it's a truck. First it was keyed a few weeks back. It legibly has the word CRIP on it. Pretty sure I'm going to get shot soon. Maybe I should go and key the word Bloods on the other door of my truck in order to even out the odds.

Now, by taking the truck to a mechanic, we've discovered that one of my tires was STOLEN and the thief replaced it with an older, smaller tire. I knew the truck was driving rough at times, and it veered to the right very sharply when i let go of the wheel. I just thought the truck was old, you know? I thought maybe it just didn't drive very smoothly. I was SO mistaken. I never look at my tires, so I wouldn't have noticed!! I'm gonna be honest here: It's a bit troubling to have all of these things happening to my vehicle, but I was just thanking the Lord today as I realized all the possibilities that could have happened due to the bad tire. I'm so glad my dad took it in before I go to SC. I leave in exactly 7 days. whoa. *deep breaths*

What more is there to say?

My flesh and my heart faileth: But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Reconciliation

My brother and I are on good terms. Through my mom, I found out that Joel didn't even have a clue that I was upset. She mentioned the idea of him calling me to work things out, and he acted as if there was nothing wrong. She told him that he needed to talk to me because I thought he was angry with me. This weekend he came to the house and said, " You know it's not your fault that I got arrested, right?" " Yeah, but I still felt bad." " Don't, it's not your fault."

That's all that was needed. I'm glad that the situation got resolved. I had wanted to get it straight before I went off to school. Praise the Lord my brother didn't blame me. That was truly an answer to prayer.

Smack

After I wrote about dodging the issue, I knew that I had to go before the Lord. I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to handle my g-pas situation. I didn't even want to get alone before the Lord about it because that would confirm everything. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but after staying up 'till the wee hours of the morning feeling restless and knowing that I needed God given comfort, I finally let go of my control and came to meet the Lord. I cried and I cried and prayed and read my Bible. It was the most refreshed I've ever felt at 4:40 am. It's still going to be hard because I will miss my g-pa terribly. Watching his physical and mental health both deteriorate is the hard part. I can't stand to think of my grandpa in certain states because he's such a stron willed, independant guy. The Lord is with me and my whole family. He'll see us through. And even when we don't want to acknowledge that certain events around us are falling apart, once we come and meet the Lord, he'll carry us through the rest.

I can even meet with the Lord at 4:40 am. What a God we serve.

Dodging the issue

My grandpa is going to die soon, due to his scerosis. His condition got drastically worse today and we thought he'd go today. I keep pushing it out of my mind. I mean, I can deal with the fact that everyone will die. But it gets too painful to think about my grandpa being gone. I realized today that I haven't really faced the issue at all. I've been doing anything else to keep me busy. It's one of those things that you know you need to make yourself do, but you know it's going to hurt. Kind of like removing a splinter from your flesh. Please pray for me as I learn to let go and then let the Lord help me through this. This is alot harder than I wanted it to be.

Here are a few things that have been keeping me occupied:

Our new kitty!! I love the lil' goatee(i realized just now that i'm not sure how to spell that) under her mouth. My brother named her Bessie the man eating cow. We call her bessie for short. Yes, .... we picked her up from the animal shelter just a couple of days ago. She's a bi-polar cat...I love it! :)








Here is my new laptop! We got it off of E-bay and it actually works, Praise the Lord! The battery is going to need replacing before too long, but other than that, it's quite nice. Yeah, it makes me happy too.

No Mo

Tonight was my last night at Wal-Mart!! YAY!! It seemed like a whole year had gone by tonight! It was horribly long and drawn out, but I got through it!! I leave in a week and a half....whoa. craziness. I'm so excited!!!

Praise the Lord I was able to get a laptop today!! That was such a concern of mine!! It wasn't for the price that I was praying for, but my dad is the one who arranged it all, so God is still good!

hmmm

I still haven't talked to or seen my brother. I realized that I'm not scared because of what I did. I did what I knew to be right, even though it was painful. I'm scared because I know that the way he views the act is not right. My brother holds grudges harder than anything, and I am just so scared that I've put a hitch in our relationship. I don't know.

My grandpa is getting worse. He was getting some fluid drained off of him the other day, when the doctors noticed that he seemed mentally confused. They asked him a series of questions, one of them being what year is it? He answered "1976." They admitted him into the hospital and found out that there is an excessive amount of amonia in his system because of the liver failure. My mom doesn't want him to be living alone anymore. He may end up living with us. My mom is praying that the Lord would just show his mercy to us and prevent my grandpa from getting so bad that we have to do everything, including chang diapers, for him. I have no idea how the Lord is going to work it out. My grandpa is a Christian, but I don't know if he'll make it to Christmas.

It just seems like everything is kind of falling apart here. I'm ready to leave and start school again. It is just starting to hurt to be at home. I know that the Lord is with me, and he is good. So I'll make it through this, it's just kind of hard. Thanks for your prayers thus far, and I'd appreciate them even still. pray for the Lord's mercy in dealing with my grandpa, please.

update

My brother has been bailed out of jail BY MY PARENTS! It's so ridiculous because my parents were not going to do it, but the state was keeping my brother in jail until he paid his fine of $523.00!!! There was no way for my brother to pay it while in jail and GET THIS: the jail was charging him $28.00 PER NIGHT!!! So he's building more debt. So to keep him out of prison, my parents had to help him. I understand that, but it just seems like my brother keeps getting out of everything geared to punish him! I am pretty sure my parents are taking his car away from him. They co signed a loan with him for the car, so I'm pretty sure he's just lost it. I dont' know how many times they've had to pay it for him though. oh dear. I'm hoping that since he doesn't have to drop out of school-he only missed 2 days- and he's out of jail, that hopefully he won't be too upset at me. Wishful thinking, but that's it for tonight.

Felon in the family

Here was what today was supposed to be: Wake up around 11 ish...lounge around until I go to work at 2. Wind down after work, and that's that.

Here's how it went:

11 o'clock: I wake up..turn over and just lie there. My cellular device rings. I don't know about you, but my morning voice sounds like the troll who lives under "the bridge." I looked and saw that it was from North Carolina, so I answered it. TUrns out it was my new roommate from NGC. I have e-mailed her and given her my number, and now I've talked to her. I mustered up the best morning voice that I could and talked to her for a good 40 min. It was interesting.

12:30: *knock knock + doorbell* This alarms me because I'm currently in my PJs, glasses, no make up, hair in the nasty state before I fix it, and eating lunch. So I tried to figure out what to do to make up for my appearance, but decided to just throw a jacket on and see who it was. I wish I would have ignored the knock. This is where my day starts to go crazy. I answer the door in my homely appearance to find 2 police officers. My thoughts go towards my brother as there is currently a warrant out for his arrest due to unpaid fines/failure to appear in court. He just found out that he owes more than $500 because he didn't pay the fines in time. So I step out of the door and I think the policeman smirked at me. I apologized for my appearance, and He went on to interrogate me about my brother.
Him: Is Joel here?
Me: No, he doesn't live here anymore*I told them this family info. hoping to get them to leave.*.
Him: Oh? Where is he living?
Me: He's going to school now.
Him: Over at Tech?
Me: Yes.
Him: Well, we're here because there's a warrant out for him and I am wanting to get ahold of him to try and work out some kind of deal so he doesn' t have to go to jail.
Me: Yes, we've been told about the fines. I understand.
Him: Do you have a number to reach him at?
Me: uh...yeah, hold on. * at this point I went into the house and was freaking out. I didn't want to give them my brother's info. It felt like I was betraying him and the new sheriff of our town is what you'd call..."untrustworthy," but I didn't want to lie either. I gave them the number*
Me: Are you guys going to go and arrest my brother?
Him: No, we are just going to call him and see if we can work something out.

So they left and I'm freaking out, knowing that the hunt is on. THey informed me that the warrant was sent out to all of the surrounding areas. NOT GOOD.

I called my dad and told him about it. At this point I was crying. When it comes to my brother Joel and all the situations he gets into, I lose it. Plus, I still felt like I had done something wrong. My dad told me to call Joel and let him know about it and also encourage him to fix the problem by contacting the police and working out a deal. So I called him.

Me: Uh, Joel, the police came by, got your phone number and want to talk to you. You may want to call them and work this out.
Joel: WHAT?! YOU GAVE THEM MY NUMBER?
Me: yes
Joel: WHY!?!?
Me: I also told them where you were. They said they are wanting to get ahold of you to try and work out a deal.
Joel: YOU TOLD THEM WHERE I WAS!? WHY? NOW THEY'RE GOING TO ARREST ME LEAH.
Me: Well..you get paid in a couple of weeks right?
Joel: MAYBE..I DON'T KNOW.
Me: I didn't know what to tell them!! They came by and asked about you.
Joel: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM ANYTHING.
Me: Hey, you had a chance to pay your tickets, but you didn't!
Joel: I KNOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE THAT MONEY.
Me: yeah, but if you make a deal with them, maybe they won't take you to jail.
Joel: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!! AAAHH...THANKS ALOT LEAH. *CLICK*

I was really crying now. I talked to my dad once more before I went to work, but was still in emotional shambles. I just didnt' want to be at work. Then at work, i saw the cops. They were in wal-mart now. I dont' think they recognized me, but it was very unsettling. So I work all day and just didn't perk up until after my lunch break. Even still, my heart was heavy with what I had done, even though there was nothing wrong with it. I called my mom after work because she wanted to know how i was doing. I started crying again and was getting encouragement. I knew that if anything had happened there would be a message on the answering machine when I got home. I got home and had 6 new messages. My heart began to sink. Lo and behold, there were 3 messages from an inmate named Joel in Okmulgee county jail. I lost it. A mix of betrayal, shame, and being burdened for my brother came to the surface. The cops told me they weren't going to arrest him!!! I dont' know what happened at all. I was told by my dad not to talk to Joel until they get back. <> So I don't know what's going to happen. Joel likes to blame his problems on everyone else. Oh dear. Maybe the Lord will use this to help Joel get saved. It's hard, and it hurts, but there's a purpose in it. I'm just scared of my brother now.

This was my day.

Be Still My Soul

Be still my soul is my favorite hymn. I'm in Louisiana right now visiting a camp that I grew up attending. It's been very refreshing because I've just been trapped by my own sinful worries and anxieties to the point of feeling like I needed to escape. Well, I did. I came to a place that is saturated in my mind as a place that the Lord has used to really work in my life. It was the place where I was saved too. It's just a place where I can come, stare out at the lake and the beautiful sky above and be still. The verse that says," Be still and know that I am God" came to my mind last night as I sat under the glowing moon. I just need to be still and know that God is God. Now the hard part is grasping that idea on a daily basis wherever I go! The same God who speaks to me at this camp is the same GOd going with me to School and everywhere else I go. I love it when the Lord gives me a new thought to consider about Him.

Torn due to Ignorance?

I'm venting my frustrations tonight.
Truth: I'm scared to death about going to a new school. I was talking to the director of the theatre dept. at NGC and he told me about auditioning for scholarships and plays. To tell you the truth, that scares me to death. HA! The theatre student....scared to audition!?!? Now if that isn't irony at its best! I feel so intimidated by anything cultural. I never had any kind of exposure to it in high school, and I just feel kind of innadiquate for everything. But, I love the idea of possibly transforming lines in a script/a plain performance hall so much that the audience member is drawn out of their reality even for a second. That's what I like about theatre. But I'm so nervous and scared. I'm driving there. It's 17 hours. I'm nervous.

Truth: I'm torn between majoring in Music vs majoring in Theatre. I love music. I just knew I didn't want to spend every minute of every day practicing the piano!! but I love to sing. I'm hoping and praying that the Lord will show me what to do this year. I want to be involved with music and drama. When I arrive at NGC I'll be a theatre major with a music minor. The problem lies in the fact that there is no steady career in either profession unless you are teaching. I don't want to teach it. I want to DO IT!! I'm confused.

Truth: I will not be able to afford a computer before returning to school. I feel so depressed in knowing that all of my precious time spent at Wal-Mart is def. making money, but not enough money to get a comp. for school. That was my goal for the summer, but there is too little money in not enough time to make it happen. I'm discouraged. There may be a possibility of getting a comp. from my brother though. It's all up in the air right now.

Truth: There is so much to do in order to try and get ready to go to NGC. I leave in about a month. I'm trying to figure everything out, but I can't. Guess what? I need a job when I get there. I don't know if the student work program will be enough hours to make enough money. oh dear. See, this is the part where I look back on how God took care of me at BJU and say to myself, Leah Thomas, get over it!!!! GOd is going to take care of me! WHY DO I GET SO WORKED UP ABOUT IT!?

I'm losing my mind, or maybe that's the problem. I'm finding too much mind and too little faith.

Artichokes have WHAT?!

CLAWS. They have claws. I found this out as a customer and his wife had put some into a bag for me to check. I pick the things up, not knowing what they were, and soon discovered that something had just cut my flesh!!! The wife had forgotten an item, so she went back to get it. I put the horrible things down and just stared at them. I was angry and confused at this point. I decided to be straightforward with the guy. I told him that I didn't know what they were, could he tell me? He just kind of looked at me, then at the veggies. He sort of stalled for a bit and then said that he couldn't remember what they were called!! We both just stood there and stared at the strange green sharp things. I started looking at the list of produce that I have at the register and calling out names that were unfamiliar to me. Finally, he said that he thought it started with an A. So I went and said Artichoke and won the prize!! We had figured it out, but it cost me my integrity and some blood. It was horrible.

In other news, A very religious woman came through my line today. Here's how it went:
Me: Hey, how are you doing today?
Her: Oh, I'm just blessed blessed blessed!
Me: Oh really? What makes you so blessed?
Her: Well, I'm in the land of the living!!
Me: The land of the living, huh? So where would you go if you weren't in the land of the living?
Her: I think Heaven.
Me: You "ThinK" HeaveN?
Her: I still got work to do! My work ain't done here.
*enter customer from adjacent line*
C: That's right! Our work isn't done here yet!!
Her: Hey yeah! That's right. We still got stuff to do!
Me: Okay, have a nice day.
Her: Okay, you have a blessed day!!

I was asking her questions to see if she'd mention Christ at all, but she didn't. It was so strange and fake. It bothers me at times to be around people like that. Whenever people say they are blessed, I like to ask them why. One lady said to me, "because I know Jesus as my personal saviour...etc." we had a nice discussion and it was very encouraging. Other people don't say anything about it. Very interesting.

Today I found out that NGC is going to let me go to my own church!! I'm SO excited about looking for churches and seeing what's out there. As someone who has been through numerous church splits and followed her parents wherever they lead her, this is a huge step for me. So in all reality, it's getting harder for me to stay here when I know it's going to be so different and new/exciting in the fall!!!

Moral of the day: Beware of the Artichokes.

Whoa

Ever contemplate spiritual matters until you get completely confused about everything!! HA, then you have to start from the beginning(salvation) and move from there. I'm studying about Christian Liberty right now. It's very interesting. I'm also contemplating the idea that as a Christian, there are certain works that I'll do, but that doesn't mean that my salvation is dependant on works. with me? Salvation is by faith alone. So I try not to get into the mindset that if I'm more strict in my standards than anyone, I'll be more pleasing to the Lord. But the polar opposite of that is that we can be saved but do whatever we want and it doesn't matter. In thinking about the balance of associated works and forced works kind of confuses me. I think that because I'm a christian everything should just come to me. You know? I shouldn't have to make myself do anything. BUT then I remember that my flesh is in a raging war with my spirit. I have to remember that I need to be a REAL person and not just put on a "christian show" for all the lost world around me, but at the same time, works can be a sign of salvation. I'm not doctrinally confused, but sometimes when I try to figure it all out....I just have to sit down and realize that trying to analyze the Christian life/lifestyle is one of the most simply complex endeavors. It all makes sense when you remember the heart of why you are a Christian in the first place. Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us.

Who holds the key?

As I approached my truck to go to work this afternoon, I was stopped dead in my steps at the sight of my door. Apparently someone wanted to have some fun after dark and decided to key my truck. Yeah. I want to cry. There are slash marks right in the center of the driver's side door with the letters "Crip" under them. Then the nice fellow decided to go along the rest of my truck on the driver's side. They didn't do the passenger's side at all. I don't know if I'm supposed to report this to the police or what, but I'm planning on calling them tomorrow to see if there is anything that can be done. Needless to say, I'm shocked, crushed, and embarrassed. I've had this cloud of sadness looming over my head today as I went to face the Wal-Mart. I'll admit that I'm scared to look at my truck tomorrow. I didn't want to park it in the same place tonight, but I don't have any other choice. The truck was in my yard!! 10 ft. from my front door!! AAHHH!!

I did get to meet and talk with a couple of awesome Christian men tonight. One was an elderly gentleman and his son was helping him shop. They were just a fresh breath for me. To talk to someone who shares the fellowship in Christ makes me come alive, and I love it. It was just so relieving to look at the old man after we had talked, shake his hand, and say , "until we meet again!" It made my whole night!!

Oh, some random highlights at wal-mart have included:
1. Woman taking her hearing aid out and letting me see it.
2. Customer asking stupid question and me using all of my self control to not say "here's your sign"
3. A domestic dispute tonight!! Dear me!!

Concerning College: All of my credits transferred to NGC. I've gotten over half the tuition payed for in scholarships, and I'm working on registration. TO tell the truth, I'm really nervous. I've never seen the campus. I'll be starting all over again.....as much as I shouldn't go to bju this sem. , I at least know the system. But I know I need to leave, so I'll do what I have to do. God has a way of working things out. I love that.

The Day Off!

I had the day off from Wally World, and I did absolutely nothing productive at all!! I slept until after 1, then sat around the house, played w/ my lil' brother's hair, got gas in my truck and watched a movie. Isn't that just filled with adventure and excitement!? OH!! Here are pics of my lil' brother's new hairdo! IT was kind of a touchy subject because I have a Goth/unsaved brother who used to do his hair in spikes and all sorts of horrible things. All while I was doing my lil' brothers hair, I told him that Christians shouldn't wear their hair out like this because it doesn't represent anything good! SO I did tie in a moral lesson!! : ) It was just for fun!!





I don't really have any new Wal-Mart adventures to report. I get the occasional sleeze bucket that i have to shut down with stinging rhetoric, but none are worthy enough to put in this blog. They are only worthy enough to forget.

BUT I do have some really good news! Cedarville will not work out. It is a good school, but not the best one for me seeing as how I'll acquire 20,000 in debt. per year of attendance. I was nervous that North Greenville College wouldn't go through. I called and asked. I have been accepted! I was really worried that I had applied too late to apply for the transfer scholarship. Turns out, they give that to you automatically after reviewing your transcript. I was very excited to hear about that! So I'm waiting to hear about my credits. That is the next hurdle of worry that I need to conquer. It's nice in that I'll still be near my friends, but it's scary too because I am still starting over in a place that I've never even seen. It's scary, but at the same time, I know that I'm not supposed to go to Bob Jones this year. The Lord used it immensly(spelling?) in my life this year, but I need to go somewhere else now. It's hard to explain without taking up tons of space. To kind of sum it up, I've never had any kind of experience in atmosphere like at bob jones. Not that it's bad, but it made me feel like I couldn't be me at all without getting in trouble. I met wonderful people, but I'm not happy there. I don't see a reason for me to choose bju over everywhere else. I need to see another school in order to figure out if I want to choose to go to Bob Jones. ANYWAY,...i feel like I just went in circles...but North Greenville is where I'll be in the fall, Lord willing.

Awkward

I now present the Wal-Mart Awkward moment of the night:

Man standing in line, putting items onto counter. Yes, I'm at the 21 or less counter, and no, he doesn't have 20 or less items. ANYWAY, I say hello to him. No response back. This means that he doesn't really see ME. He sees a servant there to cater to his every need. So I ask him how he's doing tonight. I make sure that i'm looking right at him and at a good decibal level. He looks up and says, "what?" He said it in kind of a groggy tone of voice. I repeated my question to him to hear, "Oh, I'm doing fine and you?"He gives me this weird sort of look as if to say in the well known voice that everyone has been exposed to at one point or another, "How YOU doin'?" At least I have his attention now!! I tell him that I'm doing just fine. I give him a nice smile so that I don't ruin his whole Wal-Mart experience. He just stares at me and says, "Well you sure are lookin' fine.*prolonged look*" AWKWARD!! This guy was like......40s maybe? He was an African American gentleman who was not married, seemingly, and wasn't real attentive to others. Although, now he was being very attentive. ICKY!!! It's so weird to have a guy say that to you in a smooth criminal kind of way. I didn't like it at all. I just wanted to give him this weird look and say, "Whatever" with all the attitude that I could conjur. Instead, I just smiled and said, " well thank you sir." OH the self betrayal that is involved with public positions! So the guy is there forever because he seemed to have gotten every item i the store. He eventually ends up making comments about my hair too. I was ready for him to leave. He finally did. That's the good thing about Wal-Mart: they will always leave!!

TO clarify things: I don't have these wonderful Wal-Mart fantasies of a customer coming in and sweeping me off of my register and out the automatic doors on the winds of love,....but COME ON!!! Creepy men just aren't cool.

Oh, and here's a little tid bit of advice for you to follow: Never, I repeat, NEVER offer the money to the cashier to take, and then not give it to her!! I had a guy hand me the money, but he didn't let go of it. Apparently he thought he was pretty funny because he did it twice. Yeah, it's not funny!! So don't do it. I was tempted to do the same thing to him, but I know that I would have overdone the whole situation and probably get fired!! Be good to cashiers!!

Scared

Tonight at work, I was about to start on the items of a new customer. I told them hello, like usual, but was stopped short of breath when I looked up to smile at what I had THOUGHT to be a woman. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not said "How are you, LADIES?" Seeing this..."it" made me so confused! I couldn't tell seriously if it was a man or woman. It was taller than I, with a bigger build. It had middle length hair, no make up, and no defining chest features to help me out with the decision. I was nervous the whole time as I checked their items out. I kept looking at it to see if it was upset by my assumption of its sex. It showed no sign of anger. Then I heard it speak. It's voice sounded very feminine. I am persuaded that it indeed was a woman. I don't know her story, but I do know that she scared me half to death. There is nothing more embarrassing than mistaking a woman for a man or visa versa. I've done that before in the Drive-thru at my old job. All you have to go on is a voice, and sometimes even voices aren't very reliable!! What a scare!

Settlement

My admissions counselor at Cedarville has been doing all he can do to try to help me out with finances. I told him i'd need at least 10,000 in scholarships/grants to be able to do it. HA! I would have loved to see his face when he read it. But he's a good guy. The thing is, Cedarville would be a good choice, but is it the best choice if you have to get into 20,000 in debt per year? Yes, I'd love to be able to go there, but I'm okay if it doesn't work out. Theatre scholarships haven't been decided yet. I'd still need 8,000 more. We'll see! All I can do is pray and wait. The Lord and I had a really good talk about it today. It's not in my hands anymore, and that's okay.

mental chaos

Cedarville: Need at least $10,000 more in scholarship/grant money to go there. It's a 25,000 per year school. My admissions counselor asked me what had to happen in order for me to attend Cedarville. See, I got the results for financial aid. To go there, I'll need 20,000 in loans per year. So I wrote him and told him thanks for all that he's done to help me, but I can't afford it. Cha!! Now I am going to write to him and tell him that I'll need a mondo huge scholarship to go there.

What gets me is this: Even if I don't have the money, I'm not sure enough that this is where God would have me. I've never been there before. I like everything I've heard about them, but I don't know that they are any better than another school. I mean, isn't this where common sense meets faith? Or do the two never meet? I can't afford Cedarville, so is that a good excuse to not go there? Some places just aren't affordable, right? Is that okay to put that limit on God? And is it wrong to ask the Lord for a down payment to help me see that that is where I need to go!? All of this is in my head and I just need to get it out.


North Greenville: If Cedarville is out of the question, I have to get aid from North Greenville. I cannot afford it without scholarships. I haven't even been told if I've been accepted there. I sent out my application last week!!! I wish they would hurry.

If both colleges ended up offering me oodles and gobs of money, I think I would choose Cedarville. It would mean starting all over and being isolated from friends, and that scares me. At the same time, it is exciting to move on to a new place with new people. Basically I'm worrying over nothing!!! But I'm just trying to evaluate where I want to go compared to where I can go compared to where I should go compared to where I can afford to go.

Contemplative

Do you ever find yourself thinking one way about God, sort of putting him in a box, and then someone/something comes along and gives you a new idea and shakes up your world? I am seeking God in some decisions, but what if I'm missing out on the way God wants me to seek his will. I hate asking for signs or bargaining with God.

I found out today that Cedarville is out of the question. I'm not going there. I don't even desire to go there anymore. That is a wonderful answer to prayer, and I find myself worrying though about the other options. I want to go to North Greenville in the fall. What if God shuts that door too? Am I missing the whole method in searching for God's will? Because God is sovereign, will it all turn out right anyway?

Oh Lord! I believe!!! Help my unbelief.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. -Heb.11:1

What I did today:

Painting at my dad's office. There is something so complex about painting. It's both relaxing and frustrating at the same time.

A day's adventures!

This was an oil fire that we passed on our way to Tulsa, Oklahoma today. It was started by a lightning bolt striking an oil storage tank. The smoke could be seen for miles and the fire wasn't going out soon!! Burn Baby, Burn!





This is a garage sale that looked like it would be super fun to look through! I'm going to have to say that it was the most deceptive yard sale I've ever attended. There was absolutely NOTHING there of interest. Such a disappointment, but always an adventure!




Of course the perfect way to end the day was to drive by the illusive Redneck Corner store and pay our respects before we headed home. What a day!






Highlight: I acquired the Matthew West CD "History" as well as the "Lifesong" CD by Casting Crowns. This makes me happy!

Personal Rants

In light of today(for some reason I'm on a listing-my-thoughts-out kick):

1. Mr. Evangelist at church today: "Let's give a big round of applause to Jesus! Everybody just clap for Jesus!"
- give me a break! I hate it when people say let's clap for Jesus. To me, it's like taking Jesus down to a little kids level. When a kid does something good, we'll say, "Yay! Good job!" while clapping! Yeah, needless to say I looked like the heathen because I wasn't clapping!

2. Toilet paper that has the tail hanging behind the roll instead of coming down on top of it. You know what I mean?

3. My brother's sob stories about how his life is so hard.
- Start making good decisions and you wouldn't have so many problems!!!!!!! Why must WE pay for his mistakes even now!?-

4. Waking up at 6:15 am feeling completely awake but then waking up at 8:15 with the intent of getting up and feeling insanely tired.

5. Trying to set up get togethers to be able to talk to people and keep relationships going, but the same person can't make it every time!! There is a friend at church who is going through a rough time right now because his dad might have Melanoma. I've tried to get him to come out to eat with a couple of groups, but he's always got something to do. Everyone else comes every time except for him. I hate that!

6. Trying to modify a shirt before church by cutting something off of it, I was almost late. I wasn't careful enough with it and cut a hole in my shirt! The point was to remove this decorative thing attatched to the shirt. I thought it'd easily detatch. I was in a hurry. I grabbed the scissors and watched in horror as I ended up cutting a nice hole in my shirt 3 min. before I had to leave for church!

Bloody Pulp

Sad thing: My world now revolves and relates to only Wal-Mart.

Angry thing: 45-100 items in a 21 or LESS lane

Painful thing: Biting my tongue when a fully comprehensive person violates 21 items or less rule

Nasty thing: Literally gagging today because a customer had such a distinctly nasty odor permeating my air

Weird thing: Running into a guy who came into the store a few nights ago that was so high he was hitting on me and being sleezy and knowing that he has no recollection of me now that he is sober. It's like knowing someone's "dirty little secret" ha...

Happy thing: My mom is back home again! I have someone to laugh with. We are kindred spirits.

Embarrassing thing: Calling "Hello!" to someone by saying their first and last name. The thing is, I used the last name of their former husband rather than her current one. Oops!

Comforting thing: Knowing that I don't have to go to Wal-Mart to work until Thursday

God Thing: A customer made a comment about my looks today that had the potential to really make me upset and sad. All of the sudden I was thinking " I am fearfully and wonderfully made! So get over it!! " That was a blessing.

Shameful thing: Having conversations with others about their dogs that they absolutely adore and acting as if I felt the same way. All the while hiding the fact that I abhor most dogs and one's infatuation for their dog. Didn't want a riot on my hands!

This has been my day.

Grace

I cannot explain how I made it through work tonight. I guess that's how grace works. It just happens. You just make it. Before I left for work, I was on the brink of tears. I was afraid that if a customer said the right combo of words, I'd lose composure and cry as I attempt to bag their items. But God got me through it all today. I cannot think of one rude customer that I had to deal with all day. Not one. I was able to face the day with grace and even Joy. I can't seem to figure God out!! I know we aren't supposed to figure God out. I mean, He's GOD!! Often times I try to analyze how a christian's life and feelings should be. I find myself trying to put Christians into a certain mold. If I feel sad, than surely I'm wrong because Christians can't be sad...they are Christians! It's so stupid, and I don't know why that's a problem for me. Either way, I can't figure God out.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm not supposed to.

Selah

Attack

I think my family is being attacked by Satanic influences. So many things are "conveniently" going wrong, and it's putting so much stress on my family as a whole.

Tonight I went to Tulsa to do errands and visit my grandpa with scerosis. I sat in the room with him and heard him tell me that if he doesn't get better he just wants to die. I had no idea what to say to that. I think he's saved, but it just didn't seem right to ask him at that time.

Nathan's son has to have a third surgery tomorrow to try and seal the hole in his back where spinal fluid is leaking out. I keep my feelings at such a distance, because they are at a distance. It's like it's not real, but it keeps hitting us in the face. The doctors just can't seem to get it right. My mom is with them, but has been having horrible nightmares at night.

My dad has had random things go wrong all day. My brother Joel is living with us again and so now we all carry his burdens, both financial and spiritual. And me? Well, I just feel so alone that it scares me.

After saying goodbye to my grandpa, I had to go to church. I went to a church that I'd never been to before. I sat and I soaked up God's word, and then I cried as the body of believers lifted up their voices in praise and prayer to our Mighty God who is able to deliver us from all of this. I felt more "at home" there per se, than I do at my own church.

All I can do is fall on my face before God and weep for my family. I'm not feeling sorry for my family or me, but it hurts. It just hurts.

Pondering this thought:

What would it be like to become completely lost in Christ? Here I am trying to figure out exactly who I am, and then I think about the possibility of being so saturated in Christ that He becomes my identity. Whoa. I'm at a loss.

Gone to Greenville She is, and other random comments

My mum went off to Greenville to visit with my brother and sister in law. She is there to be a help and loving supporter to my sister in law while things are up in the air about their new baby. His name is Toby and he has been diagnosed with the most severe form of Spina Bifita. He is practically paralized from the waste down with no control of any excretory functions. He had a stint put into his head so that the fluid around his brain(not healthy) could drain and relieve the pressure that is being put on the spinal cord. He had a stint, but the pressure wasn't relieved from the spine. Tomorrow around 1:00 pm he is going to have another surgery to try and stop the spinal fluid from leaking out. He had a surgery immediately after he was born, and tomorrow will be his second. Praise the Lord his heart condition hasn't seemed to be any problem. Praise the Lord that Kari got through the labour okay and is doing well. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. For some reason the Lord has chosen to bless my family with this very precious child. While it is heartbreaking, it just goes to prove that His thoughts and ways are not our own! God is just and good. He'll do what is best and needed.

While my masha is being helpful, I'm the mama for a week(I just had a flashback from that old show called "Dinosaur" where this baby dinosaur would always say "Not the mama!" and hit his dad in the face with a pan...good times). So I'm busy doing laundry, cleaning, watching my lil' brother, and then going to work in the evenings. Hopefully it will be a good week! I'm pretty sure I scared this guy at work. His name is Matt and he accidentally threw my water bottle away when I was taking his spot at the register. I didn't realize it until a few minutes after it happened. So I saw him and was jokingly asking him about stealing my water and he didn't really know what to do. He apologized and said he'd buy me another one!! lol...I didn't want to freak him out. I just wanted to test out his sense of humor a bit. It's so fun to try to figure people out! It's like there is no way to never be surprised because everyone has something special to offer! I know that sounds super cheesy, but it's really true.

I saw "Take the Lead" starring Antonio Banderez tonight. I really enjoyed it! ANYTHING with him in it is very enjoyable!! : ) On the way home from T-town, the windows were down and it was just so peaceful. I felt so free! The weather was perfect, and I could have just fallen asleep under the blanket of sky and lost myself in its beauty. I love nights like this.

Winding Down

As I left work tonight I felt drained and worthless. The last customer I helped had 177 items. Dear me.... It was after midnight, people were cussing and ranting, and there I was just trying to get through 177 items on a 20 items or less register. I am going to have to figure this whole wal-mart cashier role out. I am just going to have to ignore basically everything that goes on! Tonight there wasn't very good management of the store, and the cashiers suffered for it. There were customers that were very rude to me. Some were perverted, and some got to find out that I didn't think it was funny. It drains my personality!! I feel so used up after I leave that store. I wanted to have a huge pity party for myself(not to be confused with what I'm doing now). But then I realized that there is never an excuse to have a bad day. I may not like a few things or situations, but at the end of the day I should not be troubled by what happened. That was work. Now it's over. I can live with it, and I hope that tomorrow as I work my 8 hr. shift I'll be able to have a Christian influence on. I'm leaving it all on this blog and going to bed. Goodnight.

Evolution of Dance

And who said that White boys can't dance?

Water Park Fun!!

This is my little brother and his friend. My lil' bro is so cute because he's got these awesome Sponge Bob SquarePants teeth!! He's got a wonderful sense of humor and is a lot of fun. Today we really had a good time laughing about the harmonica man. Oh yeah! I love the water in the back ground of the picture. It's just a cool effect!


On a deeper level, I read some more of Josh MacDowell's book, "Evidence That Demands A Verdict," and I love it. I'm almost scared to read it because I know my faith isn't what I'd like it to be. I don't want this statement to be taken as in you can lose your salvation or that it's all based on your merit, but what if I'm looking at things completely wrong? Yes, the initial faith is there. I have evidence of Jesus at work in my life, but what if there is so much more that I'm missing out on!! I find myself thinking about Christ in an almost mythological manner, when He was indeed a real person in the history of this world! He was real and did real things. He isn't just someone who is imaginary, but the Bible is a historical document. I find myself usually viewing it as a self help book or just a map for life. I'm leaving out the intellectual aspect of Christianity.

At first I felt almost ashamed to think that humans would need an intellectual side of Christ, evidence if you will, to help us believe. But then we are humans!!! My mom reminded me of how God had to give Moses physical evidence that God would be with him. Already I find my faith challenged by this book!! I hope this all makes sense!

Harmonious Harmonica

Tonight at work there was a man who asked me how to pronounce my name. I told him "Lee-uh" and it sounded like he said,"Oh, that's a shame." I looked at him, alarmed, and said ,"What do you mean that's a shame!?" He looked surprised and said that he said it was a nice name. "OH!" I replied, relieved. All of the sudden I hear this harmonica music. I look up and see the man playing his harmonica. I don't even know where he got it from, but there it was. He went on to make up a song for me! It went something like this:

I'm standing here with Leah(Harmonica Notes)
I bought some dog food(Harmonica Notes)

That was about it, but it was enough to get me laughing hysterically! The man brightened up my entire night. He was and elderly, dirty looking fellow who was missing quite a few teeth, but he could play the harmonica! It was wonderful. The lady behind him had a nice talk about it with me after he left. She didn't see it coming either! lol

Tonight I saw three people I graduated with. One actually works at Wal-Mart. He used to work there in High School, but I thought he had moved on. I was corrected tonight. His name is Luke and it's kind of awkward because he had this huge crush on me in Middle School, and I liked him too. Nothing came of it because my daddy didn't let me have boyfriends in middle school....ha, like he does now?!...but it's one of those situations where you almost always feel embarassed when you see that person!! AAHH!! My middle school days are haunting me! I should write a harmonica song about it!

Catharsis

Today has been declared Catharsis Day!

I woke up this morning on the verge of tears. I just got overwhelmed with some current issues going on, and needed a purging. As I sat to do my devotions, the tears started coming. Then I looked at what my reading for the day would be. It was Psalm 39. It was a good read, but at the very end these two verses caught my heart:

(vs 12) Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peae at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were.
(vs 13) O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more.

Today I felt like I would be no more if the Lord didn't help me through this. Guess what? Not everything is solved or all better. This is one of those times when I just have to walk by faith and wait on the Lord. It's hard, and waiting often brings tears, but God's mercies are new every morning, right? He'll always make sure that I get through the day. Thank God.

Happy Catharsis Day!

FOG

Fog.

Fog at 1:30 am.

Fog surrounding my luxurious mean green Toyota Tacoma machine.

1) It was scary because at times the fog was so thick that I could barely see the road. I had to fight my sudden urge to just let go of the wheel and enter a kind of trance state and be lost in the thick, moist and smokey curtain. There were moments when it was almost dreamlike, but being in a dreamlike state in the midst of reality just isn't right. It doesn't digest in the mind very well.

2) I don't know if anyone else has seen it, but there is this old movie called "Fog" or maybe "The Fog." It's about a thick fog that comes and takes over a town by the ocean shore. In the fog, there are creatures that kill humans!! As childish as it was, I got kind of spooked to be out alone in the early morning in fog. Not that my town of 1200 would be number one on the fog monster list, but you never know with those types.

F-O-G

Misfit

Upon returning home...

My church no longer fits.

My friends no longer fit.

My hobbies no longer fit.

Ever feel like you've grown up far too much than you were supposed to have grown up, by being away from home? It's an indescribable feeling when it seems that home no longer fits.

Ps. 90 - a prayer of Moses, the man of God.

Lord, thou hast been our dwelling place in all generations(vs 1).
Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God(vs 2).

I wonder how Moses must have felt when He and the children of Israel were wandering in the wilderness, homeless. Despite all that went on, Moses still dwelt in God.

Ps. 91:1 - He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

God always fits.

Remember When It Rained

It's storming outside right now. I love the rain and the wet earth smell that permeates the air. My mom and I just sat in front of our open kitchen window and took it all in. If it were not so late, I might just go outside and let it saturate me. I AM determined to one day dance/play in the rain like I did as a kid. Just to go outside and be lost in the rhythm of the rain. Ha, that sound like it could be a movie! "Rhythm of the Rain" starring Latiquah and Sha nay nay Jackson, J-dog Balboa, and J-diggidy la Blanco. Yes, I'm def. seeing some potential here! Enough of my dreams.

Tonight was the best night at work so far. Maybe it will all get better with time? I sure hope so. It makes me really appreciate the fact that I am able to go to college! Even though I've NO IDEA where I'm going to go in the Fall, I will go somewhere. At times it's a bit scary to feel so lost. Where does free will meet God's will? Where do they end? Is it justifiable to leave a school because you don't like the atmosphere, feel trapped, and are scared to be yourself? So many questions! I've just been praying for some clarity and communication from the Lord. Ps. 31 tells me to Be of good courage and He'll strengthen my heart! I'm trying.

Feeling Poetic

Oh dear Sam Walton founder of Wal- Mart,
You, good sir, were quite brilliant and smart!
I do have a quarrel with the bagging system as of late,
What I'm about to mention is backed up with hate.
I check and I check and I check(beep beep beep)
and I bag and I bag and I bag(swish swish swish)
And what do I have to gain?
I posture that will now SAG(droop droop droop)!!

My finger tips are numb
due to the mindless bag seperating that is done.
Only two days have been on the clock,
And maybe I'm just in shock,
But one thing still remains true,
I greet them with a Smile and am sure to say "thank you!"

Video Suicide

I completed the grueling task of reciting monologues to a vid. recorder this afternoon. We tried to get the task completed in the great outdoors, or should I say Out in the great outdoors, anyway...there were dogs, rambling kids on bikes, cars and wind acting as jerks to hinder the recording quality. Alas, I had to return inside my house and do them. Aside from almost laughing during the reciting and nearly forgetting a line, it went well. My brother said I should have done more body movements, and my father said that it looked like I was reading cue cards. I couldn't very well defend myself to them because it would have profited nothing. I can defend myself now though!

To my brother: I was instructed by a teacher at school that what they look for is simply how you speak the lines. How you interpret the material should be evidenced enough by the tone of voice. Yes, I could have moved more, but I didn't think it was necessary. It would only have been fake and dare I say melodramatic at the time!

To my father: The way I shifted my eyes was to indeed say goodbye to one aspect while I remembered another. The eyes did shift from left to right, but if you watch it again, you will see that my eyes did face upward like you instructed me to do as I remembered material as the character. My character is saying goodbye to the world and therefore is in the presence of what she is saying goodbye to. So i'm looking at what I'm saying goodbye to as well as remembering it. Confused?

I do appreciate their constructive criticism, but I feel that in order to make a presentable tape for viewing, the way I performed/recited them will hopefully suffice. It's over now. I am so proud because I figured out how to record the material straight from the vid. camera to a VHS tape!! YAY! That's a huge step for me! Oh! I also figured out how to add links to my blog! Shout outs to J-dog and J-Dig.

Now I need to finish my theatre resume, send off the material, and pray. That's all I can do! The Lord is going to have to do the rest.

"I can help you over here!"

Numero Uno:

Today was my first day of Cashier work at Wally World. Of course it was the perfect weekend to do it! I mean, non-stop customers getting ready to go to the lake, alcohol galore, and one very inexperienced, ignorant cashier named Leah. It was a lot to take in! I didn't really feel comfortable doing it, but a manager made me start doing it for practice. Then they actually gave me my own lane! Whoa...that was crazy. The day lasted from 9:30 am-7:15 pm. But it was such an answer to prayer when I met the woman I was training under. She was very outgoing and happy. Like she knew how to do her job and did it well. I respect someone who can do that. She really made the experience good for her customers. I thought she was a Christian at first but after being around her longer, I don't feel so sure anymore. Of course we are no one to judge whether a person is saved or not, but I just don't sense it. Maybe it's just 'cause i'm INFJ! <> Whether she is a Christian or not, the Lord knew I needed a very supportive, friendly, and good trainer. He allowed me to have just that! Praise the Lord for He is good!

Dain Bramage

What I thought would be a 2 hour Orientation turned into 9! There was oodles of paperwork, 4 videos to watch, and a computer teaching course to go through that includes 29 lessons and tests. I've accomplished 20 of them today. I just sat in front of a computer for hours on end!! Kind of like I'm doing now....aaahh!! I hate that! I didn't know anyone there, so even when I wanted to talk to someone, it didn't really go farther than, "So, how bout that Sam Walton!?" It was weird. My brain is tired, but when I got home I just had to play it all out on the piano. Dear me, what would I do without the outlet of music?!

Something that was nice about not knowing anyone is that the Lord just seemed to say to me,"I'm with you always! I'm not forsaking you. You are going to Wal-Mart, and I'm there holding your hand." It was a very wonderful feeling to be nervous, but know that my God and Saviour is right there with me. Hallelujah! What a Saviour!

Another praise is that the Lord gave me the ability to figure out how to make my video camera plug into my vcr, arrange all the settings, and record onto vhs what I recorded onto the camera!! That is a HUGE PRAISE!!! I'm technologically handicapped. I really am, but it's like it all just came together! Sigh. Hallelujah, what a saviour!!

I'm about to pass out from exhaustion. I'm out for the night.

Orientation without Jim Berg

Today I have been called in to Wal-Mart to undergo some beautiful Orientation for this wonderful holiday weekend. I'm not quite sure it's fair to make all the "newbies" work this weekend, but as of right now in the wal-mart co. I have no opinion! I'm a bit nervous actually, but it's okay. *deep breaths*

Today I also have to figure out how I'm going to record myself reciting two monologues to send in to Cedarville. It's so complicated! My friend has the ability to burn dvds on her computer, so I have to go and purchase some DVDs and get this party started. The plan is to use my digital camera to record the monologues, and then put them onto her computer, pray she has the right programs, and burn them onto a dvd. Will this work? Probably not, knowing how my luck with technology seems to work. But I have to try. I hate anxiety. Once I get to Wal-Mart I'll be fine. Once I start the monologue work, I'll be fine. dear me.....

Who am I?

I took a test to figure out what kind of person I'd be classified as, and this is what "they" decided:


Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging

Down Trodden

I AM YELLING TO MY SCREEN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M SO COMPUTER CHALLENGED IT'S SAD. I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO CERTAIN THINGS WITH PICTURES AND DEFAULTS AND BLOGS.....AAAHHH!!! THERE IS A PIC. OF MY FACE ON MY BLOG NOW THAT SERVES NO PURPOSE. IT'S JUST THERE. I TRIED TO PUT THAT ON MY PROFILE, BUT NO! LEAH CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. AAAAAHHHh!!! SO THEN I TRIED TO GET A DIFFERENT PIC OF OF A KODAK PROGRAM, BUT I SET THE PROGRAM TO BE MY DEFAULT FOR ALL MY PICS TO GO THERE. NOW I CAN'T GET THEM FROM THE PROGRAM TO A FOLDER SO THAT IT CAN GO ON MY BLOG!!! THIS IS NOT HEALTHY AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING, SO I'M GOING TO STOP.....AAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!, now i can stop.

Fallen

My brother Joel is now homeless. He had to stay with us last night. He cannot live with us because of the way he is living. He's on my heart though. I'll give some exposition on the boy: He started his rebellion in High School and has never stopped. He's involved in drugs, illigitimate children, demon conjuring, Satanic influence, drinking, horrible music including things by Cradle of Filth<> I don't believe that my brother is saved. The other day I was asking him about where he stands concerning beliefs, and he replied that he stands for nothing. He used to claim salvation, but now he doesn't. The drama was kind of on hold for me as I was at school. Since I've been back at home, things just keep getting worse for my brother. The sad thing is this: church people don't want to hear/care about it. People that we went to church with when Joel first started going out on the deep end didn't even seem to care about Joel. They just wanted to hear about his situation. Why is secrecy so encouraged by the church? Why do people just want to hear about the "juicy" stuff but have no genuine concern within them!? People have problems. CHRISTIANS have problems!! We need support and encouragement. Unfortunately, it's not here. This needs to change if we are to survive this fallen world that we live in.

Do you have a bigger cup?

Ever have to urinate in a cup for a drug test? I had to do that today as I finished up my interview process for Wal-Mart. It amazes me that there are actually people who are stupid enough to take a drug test while having drugs in their system. Oh well. It took them 2 hours to complete my interview this morning! They asked me questions about how to contribute to a friendly working environment and following rules even if you don't agree with them or like them(I've had wonderful experience in the past nine months). Good grief.

I think I was so nervous about it because I don't know anyone who works there! At all of my other jobs, I've known at least one good friend working there. At Wal-Mart I am on my own. It's a whole new adventure that makes me very anxious! I was interviewed by my new supervisor. He seems really nice and willing to help. The embarrassing thing about him is that my friend Sandy used to be infatuated with him. So guess who's line we went to every single time in Wal-Mart? Yeah,...so when he called my name to start the interview I had to really contain my laughter and pray that he didn't remember me! But it was a nice way for the Lord to crack the ice a bit for me. Don't have any idea about my hours yet. They are only paying me .05 more than my old job at a fast food place, but I think it's time to move on. I don't trust anyone there anymore.

Pillow Talk

1. I have an interview at Wal-Mart later today....in about 8 1/2 hours. I'll admit that I'm very nervous because it's not going to be a pretty thing to deal with jerky customers. I don't know....for some reason I am almost dreading it! But I need a job, and unless I want to travel an hour to and from work, this is what I've got to work with. The Lord provides, and He'll not give me anything that I cannot handle. It's just that I went to Tulsa today and saw a wicked awesome shoe store that was hiring. I also saw this place that is nothing but accessories that is hiring. Cha...talk about a girly dream job! Too bad they are just too far away.

2. Looks like I won't get to go to Louisiana this summer. I'm kind of bummed because I was going to get to spend some wonderful time with my lil' brother of 10 years as well as see some good friends of mine. With my job process being started and our finances, My dad has vetoed the trip. I'll miss the fellowship.

3. So I tell my dad about North Greenville and he asked me if I have given up on going to Cedarville. I have not given up on it at all. I'm praying that the Lord will provide the finances to allow me to go, but I'm also trying to make plans if the Lord doesn't allow me to go there! It's kind of a fine line I think. I have faith that God will provide, but I don't know if Cedarville is a "need" or not. It would be wonderful to attend, but maybe there is another school that would be a lot more affordable. My dad has told me that we cannot afford Cedarville, but my admissions counselor from there was supposed to be finding out if they had any more theatre scholarship money. So my dad is holding out for that. It would have to be around $6,000. I know that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, but is it wrong for me to make other plans besides Cedarville? Where is the line between faith and reason? Cedarville is my "dream school," but God is not a genie.


4. My grandfather is quite depressed. He has scerosis of the liver and is dying. He has no will to live!! We went to visit him today, but he just seemed so helpless. He is not even trying. It's so depressing to be around him now. I hate seeing him like this because this diagnosis has changed him. I don't know how much longer he has. I just want to yell at him to at least be strong for me! Be strong because no one wants to see him die, but there is nothing to be done! I want to tell him not to stop living until he's dead!!! It's hard for us to deal with it when he doesn't. I'm reminded of an "Our Town" paraphrase of mine(i don't have the book on me):

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it, every, every minute?!"