Give Up

I scared myself with my thoughts today. It was one of those "what if" days. What if I just quit. I hate looking for churches. I feel like my whole experience with church has helped me grow, but there is so much hurt that dictates the way I look at churches. I went and saw the traveling acting group from my school perform last night. They did a sketch about churches splitting and the attitudes associated with that. Oh boy did that stir up feelings that I didn't want to feel again. I cried. They portrayed a wonderful character of Jesus in another skit, where Jesus was right there with a girl, ready to listen if she'd just tell him. She didn't have the time. I cried. There were many other sketches, but honestly, the church splitting skit really messed with me. Here I am, 19 yrs. old, and I can't get over this. Five nasty church splits from ages 8-18. IT STILL HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It all regurgitates back into my heart when I start to look for a church to go to.I hate it. I hate not trusting "the church" anymore. Yeah yeah yeah, i know we trust GOD, not the church, but the body of believers has hurt me more than any unsaved person out there. I'm so tired of it. But I know me...yes i do. Once I start to let one area slip, it'll be a landslide and i'll lose myself. I hate feeling torn. I tried to look into the future today, and it scared me what could happen. I feel like my heart for church is gone, and that horrifies me.