mental chaos

Cedarville: Need at least $10,000 more in scholarship/grant money to go there. It's a 25,000 per year school. My admissions counselor asked me what had to happen in order for me to attend Cedarville. See, I got the results for financial aid. To go there, I'll need 20,000 in loans per year. So I wrote him and told him thanks for all that he's done to help me, but I can't afford it. Cha!! Now I am going to write to him and tell him that I'll need a mondo huge scholarship to go there.

What gets me is this: Even if I don't have the money, I'm not sure enough that this is where God would have me. I've never been there before. I like everything I've heard about them, but I don't know that they are any better than another school. I mean, isn't this where common sense meets faith? Or do the two never meet? I can't afford Cedarville, so is that a good excuse to not go there? Some places just aren't affordable, right? Is that okay to put that limit on God? And is it wrong to ask the Lord for a down payment to help me see that that is where I need to go!? All of this is in my head and I just need to get it out.


North Greenville: If Cedarville is out of the question, I have to get aid from North Greenville. I cannot afford it without scholarships. I haven't even been told if I've been accepted there. I sent out my application last week!!! I wish they would hurry.

If both colleges ended up offering me oodles and gobs of money, I think I would choose Cedarville. It would mean starting all over and being isolated from friends, and that scares me. At the same time, it is exciting to move on to a new place with new people. Basically I'm worrying over nothing!!! But I'm just trying to evaluate where I want to go compared to where I can go compared to where I should go compared to where I can afford to go.