update

My brother has been bailed out of jail BY MY PARENTS! It's so ridiculous because my parents were not going to do it, but the state was keeping my brother in jail until he paid his fine of $523.00!!! There was no way for my brother to pay it while in jail and GET THIS: the jail was charging him $28.00 PER NIGHT!!! So he's building more debt. So to keep him out of prison, my parents had to help him. I understand that, but it just seems like my brother keeps getting out of everything geared to punish him! I am pretty sure my parents are taking his car away from him. They co signed a loan with him for the car, so I'm pretty sure he's just lost it. I dont' know how many times they've had to pay it for him though. oh dear. I'm hoping that since he doesn't have to drop out of school-he only missed 2 days- and he's out of jail, that hopefully he won't be too upset at me. Wishful thinking, but that's it for tonight.

Felon in the family

Here was what today was supposed to be: Wake up around 11 ish...lounge around until I go to work at 2. Wind down after work, and that's that.

Here's how it went:

11 o'clock: I wake up..turn over and just lie there. My cellular device rings. I don't know about you, but my morning voice sounds like the troll who lives under "the bridge." I looked and saw that it was from North Carolina, so I answered it. TUrns out it was my new roommate from NGC. I have e-mailed her and given her my number, and now I've talked to her. I mustered up the best morning voice that I could and talked to her for a good 40 min. It was interesting.

12:30: *knock knock + doorbell* This alarms me because I'm currently in my PJs, glasses, no make up, hair in the nasty state before I fix it, and eating lunch. So I tried to figure out what to do to make up for my appearance, but decided to just throw a jacket on and see who it was. I wish I would have ignored the knock. This is where my day starts to go crazy. I answer the door in my homely appearance to find 2 police officers. My thoughts go towards my brother as there is currently a warrant out for his arrest due to unpaid fines/failure to appear in court. He just found out that he owes more than $500 because he didn't pay the fines in time. So I step out of the door and I think the policeman smirked at me. I apologized for my appearance, and He went on to interrogate me about my brother.
Him: Is Joel here?
Me: No, he doesn't live here anymore*I told them this family info. hoping to get them to leave.*.
Him: Oh? Where is he living?
Me: He's going to school now.
Him: Over at Tech?
Me: Yes.
Him: Well, we're here because there's a warrant out for him and I am wanting to get ahold of him to try and work out some kind of deal so he doesn' t have to go to jail.
Me: Yes, we've been told about the fines. I understand.
Him: Do you have a number to reach him at?
Me: uh...yeah, hold on. * at this point I went into the house and was freaking out. I didn't want to give them my brother's info. It felt like I was betraying him and the new sheriff of our town is what you'd call..."untrustworthy," but I didn't want to lie either. I gave them the number*
Me: Are you guys going to go and arrest my brother?
Him: No, we are just going to call him and see if we can work something out.

So they left and I'm freaking out, knowing that the hunt is on. THey informed me that the warrant was sent out to all of the surrounding areas. NOT GOOD.

I called my dad and told him about it. At this point I was crying. When it comes to my brother Joel and all the situations he gets into, I lose it. Plus, I still felt like I had done something wrong. My dad told me to call Joel and let him know about it and also encourage him to fix the problem by contacting the police and working out a deal. So I called him.

Me: Uh, Joel, the police came by, got your phone number and want to talk to you. You may want to call them and work this out.
Joel: WHAT?! YOU GAVE THEM MY NUMBER?
Me: yes
Joel: WHY!?!?
Me: I also told them where you were. They said they are wanting to get ahold of you to try and work out a deal.
Joel: YOU TOLD THEM WHERE I WAS!? WHY? NOW THEY'RE GOING TO ARREST ME LEAH.
Me: Well..you get paid in a couple of weeks right?
Joel: MAYBE..I DON'T KNOW.
Me: I didn't know what to tell them!! They came by and asked about you.
Joel: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM ANYTHING.
Me: Hey, you had a chance to pay your tickets, but you didn't!
Joel: I KNOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE THAT MONEY.
Me: yeah, but if you make a deal with them, maybe they won't take you to jail.
Joel: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!! AAAHH...THANKS ALOT LEAH. *CLICK*

I was really crying now. I talked to my dad once more before I went to work, but was still in emotional shambles. I just didnt' want to be at work. Then at work, i saw the cops. They were in wal-mart now. I dont' think they recognized me, but it was very unsettling. So I work all day and just didn't perk up until after my lunch break. Even still, my heart was heavy with what I had done, even though there was nothing wrong with it. I called my mom after work because she wanted to know how i was doing. I started crying again and was getting encouragement. I knew that if anything had happened there would be a message on the answering machine when I got home. I got home and had 6 new messages. My heart began to sink. Lo and behold, there were 3 messages from an inmate named Joel in Okmulgee county jail. I lost it. A mix of betrayal, shame, and being burdened for my brother came to the surface. The cops told me they weren't going to arrest him!!! I dont' know what happened at all. I was told by my dad not to talk to Joel until they get back. <> So I don't know what's going to happen. Joel likes to blame his problems on everyone else. Oh dear. Maybe the Lord will use this to help Joel get saved. It's hard, and it hurts, but there's a purpose in it. I'm just scared of my brother now.

This was my day.

Be Still My Soul

Be still my soul is my favorite hymn. I'm in Louisiana right now visiting a camp that I grew up attending. It's been very refreshing because I've just been trapped by my own sinful worries and anxieties to the point of feeling like I needed to escape. Well, I did. I came to a place that is saturated in my mind as a place that the Lord has used to really work in my life. It was the place where I was saved too. It's just a place where I can come, stare out at the lake and the beautiful sky above and be still. The verse that says," Be still and know that I am God" came to my mind last night as I sat under the glowing moon. I just need to be still and know that God is God. Now the hard part is grasping that idea on a daily basis wherever I go! The same God who speaks to me at this camp is the same GOd going with me to School and everywhere else I go. I love it when the Lord gives me a new thought to consider about Him.

Torn due to Ignorance?

I'm venting my frustrations tonight.
Truth: I'm scared to death about going to a new school. I was talking to the director of the theatre dept. at NGC and he told me about auditioning for scholarships and plays. To tell you the truth, that scares me to death. HA! The theatre student....scared to audition!?!? Now if that isn't irony at its best! I feel so intimidated by anything cultural. I never had any kind of exposure to it in high school, and I just feel kind of innadiquate for everything. But, I love the idea of possibly transforming lines in a script/a plain performance hall so much that the audience member is drawn out of their reality even for a second. That's what I like about theatre. But I'm so nervous and scared. I'm driving there. It's 17 hours. I'm nervous.

Truth: I'm torn between majoring in Music vs majoring in Theatre. I love music. I just knew I didn't want to spend every minute of every day practicing the piano!! but I love to sing. I'm hoping and praying that the Lord will show me what to do this year. I want to be involved with music and drama. When I arrive at NGC I'll be a theatre major with a music minor. The problem lies in the fact that there is no steady career in either profession unless you are teaching. I don't want to teach it. I want to DO IT!! I'm confused.

Truth: I will not be able to afford a computer before returning to school. I feel so depressed in knowing that all of my precious time spent at Wal-Mart is def. making money, but not enough money to get a comp. for school. That was my goal for the summer, but there is too little money in not enough time to make it happen. I'm discouraged. There may be a possibility of getting a comp. from my brother though. It's all up in the air right now.

Truth: There is so much to do in order to try and get ready to go to NGC. I leave in about a month. I'm trying to figure everything out, but I can't. Guess what? I need a job when I get there. I don't know if the student work program will be enough hours to make enough money. oh dear. See, this is the part where I look back on how God took care of me at BJU and say to myself, Leah Thomas, get over it!!!! GOd is going to take care of me! WHY DO I GET SO WORKED UP ABOUT IT!?

I'm losing my mind, or maybe that's the problem. I'm finding too much mind and too little faith.

Artichokes have WHAT?!

CLAWS. They have claws. I found this out as a customer and his wife had put some into a bag for me to check. I pick the things up, not knowing what they were, and soon discovered that something had just cut my flesh!!! The wife had forgotten an item, so she went back to get it. I put the horrible things down and just stared at them. I was angry and confused at this point. I decided to be straightforward with the guy. I told him that I didn't know what they were, could he tell me? He just kind of looked at me, then at the veggies. He sort of stalled for a bit and then said that he couldn't remember what they were called!! We both just stood there and stared at the strange green sharp things. I started looking at the list of produce that I have at the register and calling out names that were unfamiliar to me. Finally, he said that he thought it started with an A. So I went and said Artichoke and won the prize!! We had figured it out, but it cost me my integrity and some blood. It was horrible.

In other news, A very religious woman came through my line today. Here's how it went:
Me: Hey, how are you doing today?
Her: Oh, I'm just blessed blessed blessed!
Me: Oh really? What makes you so blessed?
Her: Well, I'm in the land of the living!!
Me: The land of the living, huh? So where would you go if you weren't in the land of the living?
Her: I think Heaven.
Me: You "ThinK" HeaveN?
Her: I still got work to do! My work ain't done here.
*enter customer from adjacent line*
C: That's right! Our work isn't done here yet!!
Her: Hey yeah! That's right. We still got stuff to do!
Me: Okay, have a nice day.
Her: Okay, you have a blessed day!!

I was asking her questions to see if she'd mention Christ at all, but she didn't. It was so strange and fake. It bothers me at times to be around people like that. Whenever people say they are blessed, I like to ask them why. One lady said to me, "because I know Jesus as my personal saviour...etc." we had a nice discussion and it was very encouraging. Other people don't say anything about it. Very interesting.

Today I found out that NGC is going to let me go to my own church!! I'm SO excited about looking for churches and seeing what's out there. As someone who has been through numerous church splits and followed her parents wherever they lead her, this is a huge step for me. So in all reality, it's getting harder for me to stay here when I know it's going to be so different and new/exciting in the fall!!!

Moral of the day: Beware of the Artichokes.

Whoa

Ever contemplate spiritual matters until you get completely confused about everything!! HA, then you have to start from the beginning(salvation) and move from there. I'm studying about Christian Liberty right now. It's very interesting. I'm also contemplating the idea that as a Christian, there are certain works that I'll do, but that doesn't mean that my salvation is dependant on works. with me? Salvation is by faith alone. So I try not to get into the mindset that if I'm more strict in my standards than anyone, I'll be more pleasing to the Lord. But the polar opposite of that is that we can be saved but do whatever we want and it doesn't matter. In thinking about the balance of associated works and forced works kind of confuses me. I think that because I'm a christian everything should just come to me. You know? I shouldn't have to make myself do anything. BUT then I remember that my flesh is in a raging war with my spirit. I have to remember that I need to be a REAL person and not just put on a "christian show" for all the lost world around me, but at the same time, works can be a sign of salvation. I'm not doctrinally confused, but sometimes when I try to figure it all out....I just have to sit down and realize that trying to analyze the Christian life/lifestyle is one of the most simply complex endeavors. It all makes sense when you remember the heart of why you are a Christian in the first place. Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us.

Who holds the key?

As I approached my truck to go to work this afternoon, I was stopped dead in my steps at the sight of my door. Apparently someone wanted to have some fun after dark and decided to key my truck. Yeah. I want to cry. There are slash marks right in the center of the driver's side door with the letters "Crip" under them. Then the nice fellow decided to go along the rest of my truck on the driver's side. They didn't do the passenger's side at all. I don't know if I'm supposed to report this to the police or what, but I'm planning on calling them tomorrow to see if there is anything that can be done. Needless to say, I'm shocked, crushed, and embarrassed. I've had this cloud of sadness looming over my head today as I went to face the Wal-Mart. I'll admit that I'm scared to look at my truck tomorrow. I didn't want to park it in the same place tonight, but I don't have any other choice. The truck was in my yard!! 10 ft. from my front door!! AAHHH!!

I did get to meet and talk with a couple of awesome Christian men tonight. One was an elderly gentleman and his son was helping him shop. They were just a fresh breath for me. To talk to someone who shares the fellowship in Christ makes me come alive, and I love it. It was just so relieving to look at the old man after we had talked, shake his hand, and say , "until we meet again!" It made my whole night!!

Oh, some random highlights at wal-mart have included:
1. Woman taking her hearing aid out and letting me see it.
2. Customer asking stupid question and me using all of my self control to not say "here's your sign"
3. A domestic dispute tonight!! Dear me!!

Concerning College: All of my credits transferred to NGC. I've gotten over half the tuition payed for in scholarships, and I'm working on registration. TO tell the truth, I'm really nervous. I've never seen the campus. I'll be starting all over again.....as much as I shouldn't go to bju this sem. , I at least know the system. But I know I need to leave, so I'll do what I have to do. God has a way of working things out. I love that.

The Day Off!

I had the day off from Wally World, and I did absolutely nothing productive at all!! I slept until after 1, then sat around the house, played w/ my lil' brother's hair, got gas in my truck and watched a movie. Isn't that just filled with adventure and excitement!? OH!! Here are pics of my lil' brother's new hairdo! IT was kind of a touchy subject because I have a Goth/unsaved brother who used to do his hair in spikes and all sorts of horrible things. All while I was doing my lil' brothers hair, I told him that Christians shouldn't wear their hair out like this because it doesn't represent anything good! SO I did tie in a moral lesson!! : ) It was just for fun!!





I don't really have any new Wal-Mart adventures to report. I get the occasional sleeze bucket that i have to shut down with stinging rhetoric, but none are worthy enough to put in this blog. They are only worthy enough to forget.

BUT I do have some really good news! Cedarville will not work out. It is a good school, but not the best one for me seeing as how I'll acquire 20,000 in debt. per year of attendance. I was nervous that North Greenville College wouldn't go through. I called and asked. I have been accepted! I was really worried that I had applied too late to apply for the transfer scholarship. Turns out, they give that to you automatically after reviewing your transcript. I was very excited to hear about that! So I'm waiting to hear about my credits. That is the next hurdle of worry that I need to conquer. It's nice in that I'll still be near my friends, but it's scary too because I am still starting over in a place that I've never even seen. It's scary, but at the same time, I know that I'm not supposed to go to Bob Jones this year. The Lord used it immensly(spelling?) in my life this year, but I need to go somewhere else now. It's hard to explain without taking up tons of space. To kind of sum it up, I've never had any kind of experience in atmosphere like at bob jones. Not that it's bad, but it made me feel like I couldn't be me at all without getting in trouble. I met wonderful people, but I'm not happy there. I don't see a reason for me to choose bju over everywhere else. I need to see another school in order to figure out if I want to choose to go to Bob Jones. ANYWAY,...i feel like I just went in circles...but North Greenville is where I'll be in the fall, Lord willing.

Awkward

I now present the Wal-Mart Awkward moment of the night:

Man standing in line, putting items onto counter. Yes, I'm at the 21 or less counter, and no, he doesn't have 20 or less items. ANYWAY, I say hello to him. No response back. This means that he doesn't really see ME. He sees a servant there to cater to his every need. So I ask him how he's doing tonight. I make sure that i'm looking right at him and at a good decibal level. He looks up and says, "what?" He said it in kind of a groggy tone of voice. I repeated my question to him to hear, "Oh, I'm doing fine and you?"He gives me this weird sort of look as if to say in the well known voice that everyone has been exposed to at one point or another, "How YOU doin'?" At least I have his attention now!! I tell him that I'm doing just fine. I give him a nice smile so that I don't ruin his whole Wal-Mart experience. He just stares at me and says, "Well you sure are lookin' fine.*prolonged look*" AWKWARD!! This guy was like......40s maybe? He was an African American gentleman who was not married, seemingly, and wasn't real attentive to others. Although, now he was being very attentive. ICKY!!! It's so weird to have a guy say that to you in a smooth criminal kind of way. I didn't like it at all. I just wanted to give him this weird look and say, "Whatever" with all the attitude that I could conjur. Instead, I just smiled and said, " well thank you sir." OH the self betrayal that is involved with public positions! So the guy is there forever because he seemed to have gotten every item i the store. He eventually ends up making comments about my hair too. I was ready for him to leave. He finally did. That's the good thing about Wal-Mart: they will always leave!!

TO clarify things: I don't have these wonderful Wal-Mart fantasies of a customer coming in and sweeping me off of my register and out the automatic doors on the winds of love,....but COME ON!!! Creepy men just aren't cool.

Oh, and here's a little tid bit of advice for you to follow: Never, I repeat, NEVER offer the money to the cashier to take, and then not give it to her!! I had a guy hand me the money, but he didn't let go of it. Apparently he thought he was pretty funny because he did it twice. Yeah, it's not funny!! So don't do it. I was tempted to do the same thing to him, but I know that I would have overdone the whole situation and probably get fired!! Be good to cashiers!!

Scared

Tonight at work, I was about to start on the items of a new customer. I told them hello, like usual, but was stopped short of breath when I looked up to smile at what I had THOUGHT to be a woman. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not said "How are you, LADIES?" Seeing this..."it" made me so confused! I couldn't tell seriously if it was a man or woman. It was taller than I, with a bigger build. It had middle length hair, no make up, and no defining chest features to help me out with the decision. I was nervous the whole time as I checked their items out. I kept looking at it to see if it was upset by my assumption of its sex. It showed no sign of anger. Then I heard it speak. It's voice sounded very feminine. I am persuaded that it indeed was a woman. I don't know her story, but I do know that she scared me half to death. There is nothing more embarrassing than mistaking a woman for a man or visa versa. I've done that before in the Drive-thru at my old job. All you have to go on is a voice, and sometimes even voices aren't very reliable!! What a scare!

Settlement

My admissions counselor at Cedarville has been doing all he can do to try to help me out with finances. I told him i'd need at least 10,000 in scholarships/grants to be able to do it. HA! I would have loved to see his face when he read it. But he's a good guy. The thing is, Cedarville would be a good choice, but is it the best choice if you have to get into 20,000 in debt per year? Yes, I'd love to be able to go there, but I'm okay if it doesn't work out. Theatre scholarships haven't been decided yet. I'd still need 8,000 more. We'll see! All I can do is pray and wait. The Lord and I had a really good talk about it today. It's not in my hands anymore, and that's okay.

mental chaos

Cedarville: Need at least $10,000 more in scholarship/grant money to go there. It's a 25,000 per year school. My admissions counselor asked me what had to happen in order for me to attend Cedarville. See, I got the results for financial aid. To go there, I'll need 20,000 in loans per year. So I wrote him and told him thanks for all that he's done to help me, but I can't afford it. Cha!! Now I am going to write to him and tell him that I'll need a mondo huge scholarship to go there.

What gets me is this: Even if I don't have the money, I'm not sure enough that this is where God would have me. I've never been there before. I like everything I've heard about them, but I don't know that they are any better than another school. I mean, isn't this where common sense meets faith? Or do the two never meet? I can't afford Cedarville, so is that a good excuse to not go there? Some places just aren't affordable, right? Is that okay to put that limit on God? And is it wrong to ask the Lord for a down payment to help me see that that is where I need to go!? All of this is in my head and I just need to get it out.


North Greenville: If Cedarville is out of the question, I have to get aid from North Greenville. I cannot afford it without scholarships. I haven't even been told if I've been accepted there. I sent out my application last week!!! I wish they would hurry.

If both colleges ended up offering me oodles and gobs of money, I think I would choose Cedarville. It would mean starting all over and being isolated from friends, and that scares me. At the same time, it is exciting to move on to a new place with new people. Basically I'm worrying over nothing!!! But I'm just trying to evaluate where I want to go compared to where I can go compared to where I should go compared to where I can afford to go.

Contemplative

Do you ever find yourself thinking one way about God, sort of putting him in a box, and then someone/something comes along and gives you a new idea and shakes up your world? I am seeking God in some decisions, but what if I'm missing out on the way God wants me to seek his will. I hate asking for signs or bargaining with God.

I found out today that Cedarville is out of the question. I'm not going there. I don't even desire to go there anymore. That is a wonderful answer to prayer, and I find myself worrying though about the other options. I want to go to North Greenville in the fall. What if God shuts that door too? Am I missing the whole method in searching for God's will? Because God is sovereign, will it all turn out right anyway?

Oh Lord! I believe!!! Help my unbelief.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. -Heb.11:1

What I did today:

Painting at my dad's office. There is something so complex about painting. It's both relaxing and frustrating at the same time.

A day's adventures!

This was an oil fire that we passed on our way to Tulsa, Oklahoma today. It was started by a lightning bolt striking an oil storage tank. The smoke could be seen for miles and the fire wasn't going out soon!! Burn Baby, Burn!





This is a garage sale that looked like it would be super fun to look through! I'm going to have to say that it was the most deceptive yard sale I've ever attended. There was absolutely NOTHING there of interest. Such a disappointment, but always an adventure!




Of course the perfect way to end the day was to drive by the illusive Redneck Corner store and pay our respects before we headed home. What a day!






Highlight: I acquired the Matthew West CD "History" as well as the "Lifesong" CD by Casting Crowns. This makes me happy!

Personal Rants

In light of today(for some reason I'm on a listing-my-thoughts-out kick):

1. Mr. Evangelist at church today: "Let's give a big round of applause to Jesus! Everybody just clap for Jesus!"
- give me a break! I hate it when people say let's clap for Jesus. To me, it's like taking Jesus down to a little kids level. When a kid does something good, we'll say, "Yay! Good job!" while clapping! Yeah, needless to say I looked like the heathen because I wasn't clapping!

2. Toilet paper that has the tail hanging behind the roll instead of coming down on top of it. You know what I mean?

3. My brother's sob stories about how his life is so hard.
- Start making good decisions and you wouldn't have so many problems!!!!!!! Why must WE pay for his mistakes even now!?-

4. Waking up at 6:15 am feeling completely awake but then waking up at 8:15 with the intent of getting up and feeling insanely tired.

5. Trying to set up get togethers to be able to talk to people and keep relationships going, but the same person can't make it every time!! There is a friend at church who is going through a rough time right now because his dad might have Melanoma. I've tried to get him to come out to eat with a couple of groups, but he's always got something to do. Everyone else comes every time except for him. I hate that!

6. Trying to modify a shirt before church by cutting something off of it, I was almost late. I wasn't careful enough with it and cut a hole in my shirt! The point was to remove this decorative thing attatched to the shirt. I thought it'd easily detatch. I was in a hurry. I grabbed the scissors and watched in horror as I ended up cutting a nice hole in my shirt 3 min. before I had to leave for church!

Bloody Pulp

Sad thing: My world now revolves and relates to only Wal-Mart.

Angry thing: 45-100 items in a 21 or LESS lane

Painful thing: Biting my tongue when a fully comprehensive person violates 21 items or less rule

Nasty thing: Literally gagging today because a customer had such a distinctly nasty odor permeating my air

Weird thing: Running into a guy who came into the store a few nights ago that was so high he was hitting on me and being sleezy and knowing that he has no recollection of me now that he is sober. It's like knowing someone's "dirty little secret" ha...

Happy thing: My mom is back home again! I have someone to laugh with. We are kindred spirits.

Embarrassing thing: Calling "Hello!" to someone by saying their first and last name. The thing is, I used the last name of their former husband rather than her current one. Oops!

Comforting thing: Knowing that I don't have to go to Wal-Mart to work until Thursday

God Thing: A customer made a comment about my looks today that had the potential to really make me upset and sad. All of the sudden I was thinking " I am fearfully and wonderfully made! So get over it!! " That was a blessing.

Shameful thing: Having conversations with others about their dogs that they absolutely adore and acting as if I felt the same way. All the while hiding the fact that I abhor most dogs and one's infatuation for their dog. Didn't want a riot on my hands!

This has been my day.

Grace

I cannot explain how I made it through work tonight. I guess that's how grace works. It just happens. You just make it. Before I left for work, I was on the brink of tears. I was afraid that if a customer said the right combo of words, I'd lose composure and cry as I attempt to bag their items. But God got me through it all today. I cannot think of one rude customer that I had to deal with all day. Not one. I was able to face the day with grace and even Joy. I can't seem to figure God out!! I know we aren't supposed to figure God out. I mean, He's GOD!! Often times I try to analyze how a christian's life and feelings should be. I find myself trying to put Christians into a certain mold. If I feel sad, than surely I'm wrong because Christians can't be sad...they are Christians! It's so stupid, and I don't know why that's a problem for me. Either way, I can't figure God out.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm not supposed to.

Selah

Attack

I think my family is being attacked by Satanic influences. So many things are "conveniently" going wrong, and it's putting so much stress on my family as a whole.

Tonight I went to Tulsa to do errands and visit my grandpa with scerosis. I sat in the room with him and heard him tell me that if he doesn't get better he just wants to die. I had no idea what to say to that. I think he's saved, but it just didn't seem right to ask him at that time.

Nathan's son has to have a third surgery tomorrow to try and seal the hole in his back where spinal fluid is leaking out. I keep my feelings at such a distance, because they are at a distance. It's like it's not real, but it keeps hitting us in the face. The doctors just can't seem to get it right. My mom is with them, but has been having horrible nightmares at night.

My dad has had random things go wrong all day. My brother Joel is living with us again and so now we all carry his burdens, both financial and spiritual. And me? Well, I just feel so alone that it scares me.

After saying goodbye to my grandpa, I had to go to church. I went to a church that I'd never been to before. I sat and I soaked up God's word, and then I cried as the body of believers lifted up their voices in praise and prayer to our Mighty God who is able to deliver us from all of this. I felt more "at home" there per se, than I do at my own church.

All I can do is fall on my face before God and weep for my family. I'm not feeling sorry for my family or me, but it hurts. It just hurts.

Pondering this thought:

What would it be like to become completely lost in Christ? Here I am trying to figure out exactly who I am, and then I think about the possibility of being so saturated in Christ that He becomes my identity. Whoa. I'm at a loss.