Misfit

Upon returning home...

My church no longer fits.

My friends no longer fit.

My hobbies no longer fit.

Ever feel like you've grown up far too much than you were supposed to have grown up, by being away from home? It's an indescribable feeling when it seems that home no longer fits.

Ps. 90 - a prayer of Moses, the man of God.

Lord, thou hast been our dwelling place in all generations(vs 1).
Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God(vs 2).

I wonder how Moses must have felt when He and the children of Israel were wandering in the wilderness, homeless. Despite all that went on, Moses still dwelt in God.

Ps. 91:1 - He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

God always fits.

Remember When It Rained

It's storming outside right now. I love the rain and the wet earth smell that permeates the air. My mom and I just sat in front of our open kitchen window and took it all in. If it were not so late, I might just go outside and let it saturate me. I AM determined to one day dance/play in the rain like I did as a kid. Just to go outside and be lost in the rhythm of the rain. Ha, that sound like it could be a movie! "Rhythm of the Rain" starring Latiquah and Sha nay nay Jackson, J-dog Balboa, and J-diggidy la Blanco. Yes, I'm def. seeing some potential here! Enough of my dreams.

Tonight was the best night at work so far. Maybe it will all get better with time? I sure hope so. It makes me really appreciate the fact that I am able to go to college! Even though I've NO IDEA where I'm going to go in the Fall, I will go somewhere. At times it's a bit scary to feel so lost. Where does free will meet God's will? Where do they end? Is it justifiable to leave a school because you don't like the atmosphere, feel trapped, and are scared to be yourself? So many questions! I've just been praying for some clarity and communication from the Lord. Ps. 31 tells me to Be of good courage and He'll strengthen my heart! I'm trying.

Feeling Poetic

Oh dear Sam Walton founder of Wal- Mart,
You, good sir, were quite brilliant and smart!
I do have a quarrel with the bagging system as of late,
What I'm about to mention is backed up with hate.
I check and I check and I check(beep beep beep)
and I bag and I bag and I bag(swish swish swish)
And what do I have to gain?
I posture that will now SAG(droop droop droop)!!

My finger tips are numb
due to the mindless bag seperating that is done.
Only two days have been on the clock,
And maybe I'm just in shock,
But one thing still remains true,
I greet them with a Smile and am sure to say "thank you!"

Video Suicide

I completed the grueling task of reciting monologues to a vid. recorder this afternoon. We tried to get the task completed in the great outdoors, or should I say Out in the great outdoors, anyway...there were dogs, rambling kids on bikes, cars and wind acting as jerks to hinder the recording quality. Alas, I had to return inside my house and do them. Aside from almost laughing during the reciting and nearly forgetting a line, it went well. My brother said I should have done more body movements, and my father said that it looked like I was reading cue cards. I couldn't very well defend myself to them because it would have profited nothing. I can defend myself now though!

To my brother: I was instructed by a teacher at school that what they look for is simply how you speak the lines. How you interpret the material should be evidenced enough by the tone of voice. Yes, I could have moved more, but I didn't think it was necessary. It would only have been fake and dare I say melodramatic at the time!

To my father: The way I shifted my eyes was to indeed say goodbye to one aspect while I remembered another. The eyes did shift from left to right, but if you watch it again, you will see that my eyes did face upward like you instructed me to do as I remembered material as the character. My character is saying goodbye to the world and therefore is in the presence of what she is saying goodbye to. So i'm looking at what I'm saying goodbye to as well as remembering it. Confused?

I do appreciate their constructive criticism, but I feel that in order to make a presentable tape for viewing, the way I performed/recited them will hopefully suffice. It's over now. I am so proud because I figured out how to record the material straight from the vid. camera to a VHS tape!! YAY! That's a huge step for me! Oh! I also figured out how to add links to my blog! Shout outs to J-dog and J-Dig.

Now I need to finish my theatre resume, send off the material, and pray. That's all I can do! The Lord is going to have to do the rest.

"I can help you over here!"

Numero Uno:

Today was my first day of Cashier work at Wally World. Of course it was the perfect weekend to do it! I mean, non-stop customers getting ready to go to the lake, alcohol galore, and one very inexperienced, ignorant cashier named Leah. It was a lot to take in! I didn't really feel comfortable doing it, but a manager made me start doing it for practice. Then they actually gave me my own lane! Whoa...that was crazy. The day lasted from 9:30 am-7:15 pm. But it was such an answer to prayer when I met the woman I was training under. She was very outgoing and happy. Like she knew how to do her job and did it well. I respect someone who can do that. She really made the experience good for her customers. I thought she was a Christian at first but after being around her longer, I don't feel so sure anymore. Of course we are no one to judge whether a person is saved or not, but I just don't sense it. Maybe it's just 'cause i'm INFJ! <> Whether she is a Christian or not, the Lord knew I needed a very supportive, friendly, and good trainer. He allowed me to have just that! Praise the Lord for He is good!

Dain Bramage

What I thought would be a 2 hour Orientation turned into 9! There was oodles of paperwork, 4 videos to watch, and a computer teaching course to go through that includes 29 lessons and tests. I've accomplished 20 of them today. I just sat in front of a computer for hours on end!! Kind of like I'm doing now....aaahh!! I hate that! I didn't know anyone there, so even when I wanted to talk to someone, it didn't really go farther than, "So, how bout that Sam Walton!?" It was weird. My brain is tired, but when I got home I just had to play it all out on the piano. Dear me, what would I do without the outlet of music?!

Something that was nice about not knowing anyone is that the Lord just seemed to say to me,"I'm with you always! I'm not forsaking you. You are going to Wal-Mart, and I'm there holding your hand." It was a very wonderful feeling to be nervous, but know that my God and Saviour is right there with me. Hallelujah! What a Saviour!

Another praise is that the Lord gave me the ability to figure out how to make my video camera plug into my vcr, arrange all the settings, and record onto vhs what I recorded onto the camera!! That is a HUGE PRAISE!!! I'm technologically handicapped. I really am, but it's like it all just came together! Sigh. Hallelujah, what a saviour!!

I'm about to pass out from exhaustion. I'm out for the night.

Orientation without Jim Berg

Today I have been called in to Wal-Mart to undergo some beautiful Orientation for this wonderful holiday weekend. I'm not quite sure it's fair to make all the "newbies" work this weekend, but as of right now in the wal-mart co. I have no opinion! I'm a bit nervous actually, but it's okay. *deep breaths*

Today I also have to figure out how I'm going to record myself reciting two monologues to send in to Cedarville. It's so complicated! My friend has the ability to burn dvds on her computer, so I have to go and purchase some DVDs and get this party started. The plan is to use my digital camera to record the monologues, and then put them onto her computer, pray she has the right programs, and burn them onto a dvd. Will this work? Probably not, knowing how my luck with technology seems to work. But I have to try. I hate anxiety. Once I get to Wal-Mart I'll be fine. Once I start the monologue work, I'll be fine. dear me.....

Who am I?

I took a test to figure out what kind of person I'd be classified as, and this is what "they" decided:


Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging

Down Trodden

I AM YELLING TO MY SCREEN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M SO COMPUTER CHALLENGED IT'S SAD. I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO CERTAIN THINGS WITH PICTURES AND DEFAULTS AND BLOGS.....AAAHHH!!! THERE IS A PIC. OF MY FACE ON MY BLOG NOW THAT SERVES NO PURPOSE. IT'S JUST THERE. I TRIED TO PUT THAT ON MY PROFILE, BUT NO! LEAH CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. AAAAAHHHh!!! SO THEN I TRIED TO GET A DIFFERENT PIC OF OF A KODAK PROGRAM, BUT I SET THE PROGRAM TO BE MY DEFAULT FOR ALL MY PICS TO GO THERE. NOW I CAN'T GET THEM FROM THE PROGRAM TO A FOLDER SO THAT IT CAN GO ON MY BLOG!!! THIS IS NOT HEALTHY AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING, SO I'M GOING TO STOP.....AAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!, now i can stop.

Fallen

My brother Joel is now homeless. He had to stay with us last night. He cannot live with us because of the way he is living. He's on my heart though. I'll give some exposition on the boy: He started his rebellion in High School and has never stopped. He's involved in drugs, illigitimate children, demon conjuring, Satanic influence, drinking, horrible music including things by Cradle of Filth<> I don't believe that my brother is saved. The other day I was asking him about where he stands concerning beliefs, and he replied that he stands for nothing. He used to claim salvation, but now he doesn't. The drama was kind of on hold for me as I was at school. Since I've been back at home, things just keep getting worse for my brother. The sad thing is this: church people don't want to hear/care about it. People that we went to church with when Joel first started going out on the deep end didn't even seem to care about Joel. They just wanted to hear about his situation. Why is secrecy so encouraged by the church? Why do people just want to hear about the "juicy" stuff but have no genuine concern within them!? People have problems. CHRISTIANS have problems!! We need support and encouragement. Unfortunately, it's not here. This needs to change if we are to survive this fallen world that we live in.

Do you have a bigger cup?

Ever have to urinate in a cup for a drug test? I had to do that today as I finished up my interview process for Wal-Mart. It amazes me that there are actually people who are stupid enough to take a drug test while having drugs in their system. Oh well. It took them 2 hours to complete my interview this morning! They asked me questions about how to contribute to a friendly working environment and following rules even if you don't agree with them or like them(I've had wonderful experience in the past nine months). Good grief.

I think I was so nervous about it because I don't know anyone who works there! At all of my other jobs, I've known at least one good friend working there. At Wal-Mart I am on my own. It's a whole new adventure that makes me very anxious! I was interviewed by my new supervisor. He seems really nice and willing to help. The embarrassing thing about him is that my friend Sandy used to be infatuated with him. So guess who's line we went to every single time in Wal-Mart? Yeah,...so when he called my name to start the interview I had to really contain my laughter and pray that he didn't remember me! But it was a nice way for the Lord to crack the ice a bit for me. Don't have any idea about my hours yet. They are only paying me .05 more than my old job at a fast food place, but I think it's time to move on. I don't trust anyone there anymore.

Pillow Talk

1. I have an interview at Wal-Mart later today....in about 8 1/2 hours. I'll admit that I'm very nervous because it's not going to be a pretty thing to deal with jerky customers. I don't know....for some reason I am almost dreading it! But I need a job, and unless I want to travel an hour to and from work, this is what I've got to work with. The Lord provides, and He'll not give me anything that I cannot handle. It's just that I went to Tulsa today and saw a wicked awesome shoe store that was hiring. I also saw this place that is nothing but accessories that is hiring. Cha...talk about a girly dream job! Too bad they are just too far away.

2. Looks like I won't get to go to Louisiana this summer. I'm kind of bummed because I was going to get to spend some wonderful time with my lil' brother of 10 years as well as see some good friends of mine. With my job process being started and our finances, My dad has vetoed the trip. I'll miss the fellowship.

3. So I tell my dad about North Greenville and he asked me if I have given up on going to Cedarville. I have not given up on it at all. I'm praying that the Lord will provide the finances to allow me to go, but I'm also trying to make plans if the Lord doesn't allow me to go there! It's kind of a fine line I think. I have faith that God will provide, but I don't know if Cedarville is a "need" or not. It would be wonderful to attend, but maybe there is another school that would be a lot more affordable. My dad has told me that we cannot afford Cedarville, but my admissions counselor from there was supposed to be finding out if they had any more theatre scholarship money. So my dad is holding out for that. It would have to be around $6,000. I know that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, but is it wrong for me to make other plans besides Cedarville? Where is the line between faith and reason? Cedarville is my "dream school," but God is not a genie.


4. My grandfather is quite depressed. He has scerosis of the liver and is dying. He has no will to live!! We went to visit him today, but he just seemed so helpless. He is not even trying. It's so depressing to be around him now. I hate seeing him like this because this diagnosis has changed him. I don't know how much longer he has. I just want to yell at him to at least be strong for me! Be strong because no one wants to see him die, but there is nothing to be done! I want to tell him not to stop living until he's dead!!! It's hard for us to deal with it when he doesn't. I'm reminded of an "Our Town" paraphrase of mine(i don't have the book on me):

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it, every, every minute?!"

blue vest special

Praise the Lord I have a 95% chance of getting hired by Wal-Mart for the summer! A lady at my church works there and is in charge of hiring. She told me that she'd definitely pull up my application and call me on Monday! Here are my two worries: 1) I have to go with my little brother to Louisiana in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if they'd let me have a full week off of work yet. 2) I would like to have Sundays off and possibly work Wed. mornings if they'd allow me to, rather than wed. nights. We will see! I'm very excited about it though. If nothing came up, I was going to have to commute 45 min. away.

I hope you had the time of your life

I cannot remember the actual title of the song by Green Day, but the chorus leads to the phrase " I hope you had the time of your life." This song was my senior class's song at graduation. It's fitting that I heard it this morning on the radio because I went to this year's graduation at my High School. I had some close friends graduating this year.

As I walked through the crowd that gathered from the masses of people all meeting in a colossal group of graduates and families, there was this sentimental, country(ick) song playing that actually fit the moment. What was the moment? The graduates had just completed the graduating part, and now it was over. So all the families and friends crowd together in a giant mass and they just Be! It was a moment when it seemed like nothing really mattered other than people. It was the kind of moment that you might imagine in a book. The whole town, generations past and future, was gathered at this graduation to share in this momentus occasion. There were no expectations, no demands, no pre-conceived notions of how the night should go. It was just free and real. I haven't felt that in a long time and tonight I truly enjoyed living in a small town. Not to sound too cheesy, but a small town always has a soft spot in my heart. Not that I'd really like to live in one in the future, but there are some very beautiful sides of people that are allowed to be seen in a small town. Tonight, it was like no one really saw me, and that was perfect! I got to share the moment.

Oh my stars!

Last night I went to a lake with a group of acquaintences. It was about 11:00 pm and I lost myself in the vastness of the sky. As I soaked up the sky with all of its stars, I couldn't help but think about the verse in Psalms when it says that God has a name for every one of the stars. I long to know what a name of a star would sound like. Perhaps the names are only known and understood by God. There is something so comforting about looking into the sky. It's very childish of me to think this, but sometimes I feel like I'm looking at God if I look high enough. As if there are moments when it is just God and I, as I look up into his glorious creation. Wow.

Relief!

Tonight I spoke with my dad about the summer job situation. I felt a bit stressed because there is a job available to me, my old job at a fast food place, but it comes with the benefits of sexual harassment and corrupt management. The job pays well, and I need a job. I didn't want to take it, but was battling with the decision to suck it up and take advantage of the opportunity, or turn it down and be done with it. I mentioned some of the things that occurred at work in previous months to my mother. I guess she told my dad about it and he gave me the no-go on the job. That is a huge burden lifted!

Life feels a bit surreal. I've just come from out of a "bubble" environment and was thrown in the mix of real life. I came home to find that my brother has a warrant out for his arrest due to an unpaid court fine! I finally got to see him today, but it was only for a few brief minutes. It's not safe for him in a small town. His life is a mess. It's almost as if he is surrounded so deeply by "mess" that he is even starting to see new mess as a way to escape. He cannot see the fact that he will be sadly disappointed when it's all said and done. He just needs to be saved! Satan has such a hold on his life. But I have to remember that God is stronger!
My grandfather has two doctor's appointments this week. He will have a CAT scan run, and hopefully this will tell us how much time he has left to live. He has recently been diagnosed with scerosis of the liver. I found out after I got home from college for the summer. He is a Christian though! Isn't it funny how we tend to believe that just because we are christians, we should feel no pain when something like this happens?

This summer I'm going to study the sovereignty of God. I'm very excited at what I might learn through this! Speaking of God's sovereignty, I'm going job hunting tomorrow! My right eye is red and irritated tonight. I really hope that i haven't contracted Pink Eye! Not that I'd let it stop me from job hunting, but I just didn't want to have to deal with oozing issues in front of prospective employers. It doesn't exactly strike one as appealing.