Reconciliation

My brother and I are on good terms. Through my mom, I found out that Joel didn't even have a clue that I was upset. She mentioned the idea of him calling me to work things out, and he acted as if there was nothing wrong. She told him that he needed to talk to me because I thought he was angry with me. This weekend he came to the house and said, " You know it's not your fault that I got arrested, right?" " Yeah, but I still felt bad." " Don't, it's not your fault."

That's all that was needed. I'm glad that the situation got resolved. I had wanted to get it straight before I went off to school. Praise the Lord my brother didn't blame me. That was truly an answer to prayer.

Smack

After I wrote about dodging the issue, I knew that I had to go before the Lord. I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to handle my g-pas situation. I didn't even want to get alone before the Lord about it because that would confirm everything. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but after staying up 'till the wee hours of the morning feeling restless and knowing that I needed God given comfort, I finally let go of my control and came to meet the Lord. I cried and I cried and prayed and read my Bible. It was the most refreshed I've ever felt at 4:40 am. It's still going to be hard because I will miss my g-pa terribly. Watching his physical and mental health both deteriorate is the hard part. I can't stand to think of my grandpa in certain states because he's such a stron willed, independant guy. The Lord is with me and my whole family. He'll see us through. And even when we don't want to acknowledge that certain events around us are falling apart, once we come and meet the Lord, he'll carry us through the rest.

I can even meet with the Lord at 4:40 am. What a God we serve.

Dodging the issue

My grandpa is going to die soon, due to his scerosis. His condition got drastically worse today and we thought he'd go today. I keep pushing it out of my mind. I mean, I can deal with the fact that everyone will die. But it gets too painful to think about my grandpa being gone. I realized today that I haven't really faced the issue at all. I've been doing anything else to keep me busy. It's one of those things that you know you need to make yourself do, but you know it's going to hurt. Kind of like removing a splinter from your flesh. Please pray for me as I learn to let go and then let the Lord help me through this. This is alot harder than I wanted it to be.

Here are a few things that have been keeping me occupied:

Our new kitty!! I love the lil' goatee(i realized just now that i'm not sure how to spell that) under her mouth. My brother named her Bessie the man eating cow. We call her bessie for short. Yes, .... we picked her up from the animal shelter just a couple of days ago. She's a bi-polar cat...I love it! :)








Here is my new laptop! We got it off of E-bay and it actually works, Praise the Lord! The battery is going to need replacing before too long, but other than that, it's quite nice. Yeah, it makes me happy too.

No Mo

Tonight was my last night at Wal-Mart!! YAY!! It seemed like a whole year had gone by tonight! It was horribly long and drawn out, but I got through it!! I leave in a week and a half....whoa. craziness. I'm so excited!!!

Praise the Lord I was able to get a laptop today!! That was such a concern of mine!! It wasn't for the price that I was praying for, but my dad is the one who arranged it all, so God is still good!

hmmm

I still haven't talked to or seen my brother. I realized that I'm not scared because of what I did. I did what I knew to be right, even though it was painful. I'm scared because I know that the way he views the act is not right. My brother holds grudges harder than anything, and I am just so scared that I've put a hitch in our relationship. I don't know.

My grandpa is getting worse. He was getting some fluid drained off of him the other day, when the doctors noticed that he seemed mentally confused. They asked him a series of questions, one of them being what year is it? He answered "1976." They admitted him into the hospital and found out that there is an excessive amount of amonia in his system because of the liver failure. My mom doesn't want him to be living alone anymore. He may end up living with us. My mom is praying that the Lord would just show his mercy to us and prevent my grandpa from getting so bad that we have to do everything, including chang diapers, for him. I have no idea how the Lord is going to work it out. My grandpa is a Christian, but I don't know if he'll make it to Christmas.

It just seems like everything is kind of falling apart here. I'm ready to leave and start school again. It is just starting to hurt to be at home. I know that the Lord is with me, and he is good. So I'll make it through this, it's just kind of hard. Thanks for your prayers thus far, and I'd appreciate them even still. pray for the Lord's mercy in dealing with my grandpa, please.

update

My brother has been bailed out of jail BY MY PARENTS! It's so ridiculous because my parents were not going to do it, but the state was keeping my brother in jail until he paid his fine of $523.00!!! There was no way for my brother to pay it while in jail and GET THIS: the jail was charging him $28.00 PER NIGHT!!! So he's building more debt. So to keep him out of prison, my parents had to help him. I understand that, but it just seems like my brother keeps getting out of everything geared to punish him! I am pretty sure my parents are taking his car away from him. They co signed a loan with him for the car, so I'm pretty sure he's just lost it. I dont' know how many times they've had to pay it for him though. oh dear. I'm hoping that since he doesn't have to drop out of school-he only missed 2 days- and he's out of jail, that hopefully he won't be too upset at me. Wishful thinking, but that's it for tonight.

Felon in the family

Here was what today was supposed to be: Wake up around 11 ish...lounge around until I go to work at 2. Wind down after work, and that's that.

Here's how it went:

11 o'clock: I wake up..turn over and just lie there. My cellular device rings. I don't know about you, but my morning voice sounds like the troll who lives under "the bridge." I looked and saw that it was from North Carolina, so I answered it. TUrns out it was my new roommate from NGC. I have e-mailed her and given her my number, and now I've talked to her. I mustered up the best morning voice that I could and talked to her for a good 40 min. It was interesting.

12:30: *knock knock + doorbell* This alarms me because I'm currently in my PJs, glasses, no make up, hair in the nasty state before I fix it, and eating lunch. So I tried to figure out what to do to make up for my appearance, but decided to just throw a jacket on and see who it was. I wish I would have ignored the knock. This is where my day starts to go crazy. I answer the door in my homely appearance to find 2 police officers. My thoughts go towards my brother as there is currently a warrant out for his arrest due to unpaid fines/failure to appear in court. He just found out that he owes more than $500 because he didn't pay the fines in time. So I step out of the door and I think the policeman smirked at me. I apologized for my appearance, and He went on to interrogate me about my brother.
Him: Is Joel here?
Me: No, he doesn't live here anymore*I told them this family info. hoping to get them to leave.*.
Him: Oh? Where is he living?
Me: He's going to school now.
Him: Over at Tech?
Me: Yes.
Him: Well, we're here because there's a warrant out for him and I am wanting to get ahold of him to try and work out some kind of deal so he doesn' t have to go to jail.
Me: Yes, we've been told about the fines. I understand.
Him: Do you have a number to reach him at?
Me: uh...yeah, hold on. * at this point I went into the house and was freaking out. I didn't want to give them my brother's info. It felt like I was betraying him and the new sheriff of our town is what you'd call..."untrustworthy," but I didn't want to lie either. I gave them the number*
Me: Are you guys going to go and arrest my brother?
Him: No, we are just going to call him and see if we can work something out.

So they left and I'm freaking out, knowing that the hunt is on. THey informed me that the warrant was sent out to all of the surrounding areas. NOT GOOD.

I called my dad and told him about it. At this point I was crying. When it comes to my brother Joel and all the situations he gets into, I lose it. Plus, I still felt like I had done something wrong. My dad told me to call Joel and let him know about it and also encourage him to fix the problem by contacting the police and working out a deal. So I called him.

Me: Uh, Joel, the police came by, got your phone number and want to talk to you. You may want to call them and work this out.
Joel: WHAT?! YOU GAVE THEM MY NUMBER?
Me: yes
Joel: WHY!?!?
Me: I also told them where you were. They said they are wanting to get ahold of you to try and work out a deal.
Joel: YOU TOLD THEM WHERE I WAS!? WHY? NOW THEY'RE GOING TO ARREST ME LEAH.
Me: Well..you get paid in a couple of weeks right?
Joel: MAYBE..I DON'T KNOW.
Me: I didn't know what to tell them!! They came by and asked about you.
Joel: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM ANYTHING.
Me: Hey, you had a chance to pay your tickets, but you didn't!
Joel: I KNOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE THAT MONEY.
Me: yeah, but if you make a deal with them, maybe they won't take you to jail.
Joel: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!! AAAHH...THANKS ALOT LEAH. *CLICK*

I was really crying now. I talked to my dad once more before I went to work, but was still in emotional shambles. I just didnt' want to be at work. Then at work, i saw the cops. They were in wal-mart now. I dont' think they recognized me, but it was very unsettling. So I work all day and just didn't perk up until after my lunch break. Even still, my heart was heavy with what I had done, even though there was nothing wrong with it. I called my mom after work because she wanted to know how i was doing. I started crying again and was getting encouragement. I knew that if anything had happened there would be a message on the answering machine when I got home. I got home and had 6 new messages. My heart began to sink. Lo and behold, there were 3 messages from an inmate named Joel in Okmulgee county jail. I lost it. A mix of betrayal, shame, and being burdened for my brother came to the surface. The cops told me they weren't going to arrest him!!! I dont' know what happened at all. I was told by my dad not to talk to Joel until they get back. <> So I don't know what's going to happen. Joel likes to blame his problems on everyone else. Oh dear. Maybe the Lord will use this to help Joel get saved. It's hard, and it hurts, but there's a purpose in it. I'm just scared of my brother now.

This was my day.

Be Still My Soul

Be still my soul is my favorite hymn. I'm in Louisiana right now visiting a camp that I grew up attending. It's been very refreshing because I've just been trapped by my own sinful worries and anxieties to the point of feeling like I needed to escape. Well, I did. I came to a place that is saturated in my mind as a place that the Lord has used to really work in my life. It was the place where I was saved too. It's just a place where I can come, stare out at the lake and the beautiful sky above and be still. The verse that says," Be still and know that I am God" came to my mind last night as I sat under the glowing moon. I just need to be still and know that God is God. Now the hard part is grasping that idea on a daily basis wherever I go! The same God who speaks to me at this camp is the same GOd going with me to School and everywhere else I go. I love it when the Lord gives me a new thought to consider about Him.

Torn due to Ignorance?

I'm venting my frustrations tonight.
Truth: I'm scared to death about going to a new school. I was talking to the director of the theatre dept. at NGC and he told me about auditioning for scholarships and plays. To tell you the truth, that scares me to death. HA! The theatre student....scared to audition!?!? Now if that isn't irony at its best! I feel so intimidated by anything cultural. I never had any kind of exposure to it in high school, and I just feel kind of innadiquate for everything. But, I love the idea of possibly transforming lines in a script/a plain performance hall so much that the audience member is drawn out of their reality even for a second. That's what I like about theatre. But I'm so nervous and scared. I'm driving there. It's 17 hours. I'm nervous.

Truth: I'm torn between majoring in Music vs majoring in Theatre. I love music. I just knew I didn't want to spend every minute of every day practicing the piano!! but I love to sing. I'm hoping and praying that the Lord will show me what to do this year. I want to be involved with music and drama. When I arrive at NGC I'll be a theatre major with a music minor. The problem lies in the fact that there is no steady career in either profession unless you are teaching. I don't want to teach it. I want to DO IT!! I'm confused.

Truth: I will not be able to afford a computer before returning to school. I feel so depressed in knowing that all of my precious time spent at Wal-Mart is def. making money, but not enough money to get a comp. for school. That was my goal for the summer, but there is too little money in not enough time to make it happen. I'm discouraged. There may be a possibility of getting a comp. from my brother though. It's all up in the air right now.

Truth: There is so much to do in order to try and get ready to go to NGC. I leave in about a month. I'm trying to figure everything out, but I can't. Guess what? I need a job when I get there. I don't know if the student work program will be enough hours to make enough money. oh dear. See, this is the part where I look back on how God took care of me at BJU and say to myself, Leah Thomas, get over it!!!! GOd is going to take care of me! WHY DO I GET SO WORKED UP ABOUT IT!?

I'm losing my mind, or maybe that's the problem. I'm finding too much mind and too little faith.